Archive for July, 2008

Nothing

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2008 by Anoush

I have no need to travel. I do, I do, but for the sake of the THIS, I don’t.  Because I won’t have a good time – i’ll experience things, be invited to taste weird cheeses (and I’ll say No Thank you, and the more-cultured people will think I’m strange) and that won’t be fun. I’ll essentially belocked into some agenda, some hotel-room-schedule — hysteria that would exist if I traveled or not. I could continue working on getting my work good – make it actual work instead of “expeeeeeeeeeeeeeriencing the world.” What will I do with all that experience if I’m not happy, if I can’t absorb? Keep a journal? (Aw). Read back on my writing, enjoying my own wit – seeing how i’ve grown as an individual – PLEASE. What, so I could update facebook status saying “I’ll be in Barcelona for the next 4 days, hit me up.” <- I don’t say Hit Me Up, but that’s what they say. So i could post pictures of me and my omigod girlfriends drinking at a bar, or making some stupid I-want-my-picture-taken-but-i’m-not-comfortable-enough-to-smile face in front of some statue?

I’m reading On the Road and i realize that I don’t find this kind of traveling fun or inspiring. And I’m disappointed by this. All this time, I thought I was cool like Kerouac – turns out i’m JUST A GIRL who’s in love with him. How awful – how horrible. Fiesty like di Prima, but in love with Kerouac. ::In love with men I wish I were::

And, get over yourself, George Bailey.

(Somewhat related) Those who think that the world is beautiful or at least who say the phrase make me sad because I don’t understand them. I see the beauty, but when he or she says the world is so beautiful, i think “What is he on?” It puts pressure on me.

An opinion I have: People (dreamy men/ballsy women) who say they want to go and travel and see the beauty of the world secretly have no real concept of beauty (or traveling, either). Like, a bottle of sprite spilled allover their beauty-o-meter. People who drank their own faces, did all their drugs and lost their virginity a million times in high school. You’re probably just… bored. Realizing that there’s really nothing else except…. a roadtrip to the Wild Wild West! The beauty of the world. Misunderstood people (we’re all misunderstood) who think that just because SUVs are horrible (they are) that all of America is horrible. And all that “this is good/ this is bad” simple-as-pie kinda stuff.  (I’m not talking about Kerouac anymore or badmouthing him. I never was. And plus he told me he’s happy that I’m opening up finally.)

I’d take a good Chuck Close portrait on a Tuesday afternoon over your plastic bag blowing in the wind, any day. (The only part of the movie that made me uncomfortable – everything else was great – beautiful.)

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Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2008 by Anoush

I woke up at 3 am last night and stayed awake for forty minutes because I felt the presence of Boris Karloff in my room, dressed in a weathered top hat and black cloak. (You know, ready to strangle me and take my body to do whatever.) <- (I don’t like saying “whatever” too often, but it’s ok once in a while.) My worry was falling asleep during the strangle and waking up locked in a crappy, pinewood coffin somewhere- a situation where you’d prefer to die all the way over being locked up with a slivery of possibility. You’re also aware that this pinewood box is not your final resting spot/place and that In time (no one knows how long) things will get much worse. As if waiting isn’t torture enough. Then I thought “How can i make him laugh?” Luckily I got tired so I turned on my side, my back to the wall so I’d have full view of anyone coming at me. Then I fell back asleep.

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“I was always, i dunno, submissive,” She said. One long, well-chisled (chiseled?) leg crossing over the other. Her collar bone breathtakingly (long adverb) beautiful. “But there’s this whole bunch of girls who walk up to people, demand what they want and if they say, “no” or even “no, bitch” they just walk away unphased. I can’t do that.”

“Neither can I.” Cause when I admit that i want something I forget how to walk, almost.  (I didn’t say that – because you want to keep a conversation weird but not too weird.)

Posted in Uncategorized on July 28, 2008 by Anoush

-If you were a man, what kind of man would you be?

-Anthony Kiedis.

-What KIND of man.

-the Anthony Kiedis kind.

-That’s dumb.

-No, actually it’s not. If i were Anthony Kiedis I could get away with wearing all these weird hats and stop dying my hair weird colors and maybe let it grow long again. It’s really not that stupid. The guy can have anything he wants. I’d do less drugs, though.

-He looks like a girl. You’re better off just saying you wanna look like Angelina Jolie.

-No, cause she’s too melodramatic. Those guys just don’t care. And they’re silly – Angelina Jolie’s not silly. Plus people don’t judge ’em. I could throw up on the stage at the end of a show and everyone would just cheer. He fell off the stage once and it was great! Why, who’d YOU be?

-Zach Braff.

-Aw. That’s-a cute. (whisper) My inner Kiedis eats Brafflakes for breakfast.

Something

Posted in Uncategorized on July 28, 2008 by Anoush

I do this thing where everytime I leave a place (Leave people) I always make friendship bracelets for each person. (Actually I’ve stopped doing that for about 8 years, maybe 10) but if we could take a moment and analyze, would it be fair to say that I need people to remember me? It’s more that I want the specific ones to remember/know that they’ve made an impression. A lot of string and weaving (GOOD WEAVING!) becomes involved in trying to let a certain party to know that I exist. It’s not as sad as that, though.

I remember one summer I traveled with 25 people and my friend and I hated about a third of the people. The last page of my journal was reserved for individual, hypothetical letters to each of them. (You know what I mean by hypothetical questions, right? Yeah.) Kind of reflecting how each of them has changed my perspective of the world (and none of them were mean.) I thought that was fucking profound of me. No one except me would read these – my friend would’ve thoughtI was nuts. I swallowed this all like oatmeal and just let it, you know, make me a better person.

Make-believe letters are great. An example:
“Dear *you*, Maybe I wouldn’t sound so angry all the time if you’d just get off my back about me being such a negative person. I’ll play the chicken and you can dress up as an egg and we can see which comes first.” (This is a bad example.)

Last night’s worry: What if I wake up and I’m blind? It didn’t last too long. But jeez.

He whispered, “I’d kill myself if i looked like that person,” when a gawky guy walked into the pizzeria. (What a horrible way to think – and how similar the sayer and I are.) Are we shallow people or do we just not believe that anyone will give the rest of ourselves a chance?

And, read the news: Horrible things happen at the beach. Apparently the best thing to do with your free time on a beautiful day (from the conversations I’ve eavesdropped on) is to go to the beach. The beach is nature. It’s flinging yourself into … massive human-eating nature. I like breezes, and I like beach smell, and I like water. Just… That’s horrible.

I had a dream last night where I was watching cool, blue water on its way to splash me in the face – Oh my God it was beautiful. Five seconds into it, a big, pointy shark came swimming up through the blue-ness.  (Dedicated to all you people who think (all of) nature is beautiful.)

Posted in Uncategorized on July 28, 2008 by Anoush

“Swollen belly” is a warm expression – putting everything on hold so that some sort of evolution can take place. When your breasts get swollen and your belly gets swollen – it’s not disgusting. “Fat bitch” is disgusting. Or “cellulite” is disgusting, but “Swollen belly” is more…. more “life”ish.

::Cough Cough::

Swollen also implies that it’s not going to last forever.

Warp Tour

Posted in Uncategorized on July 27, 2008 by Anoush

Oh A Rooftop

“Why are you talking to me for this long? Your buddy just left so you’re still here, and you know, don’t you, that you’re way too good for me. What do you think I could possibly offer you that you can’t find from any of these other girls? Isn’t Drunk Man after the end-all be-all instant gratification? the whole “Wishing you ordered what the guy next to you ordered” kinda thing?

Here’s where you’re a tad wrong but I won’t tell you because I’m never sure what you’re thinking. maybe you’re not sure either, but….

You won’t find this conversation or these shark eyes anywhere else. Or this deep-ungiggly-voice. (I could’ve gotten away with wearing that short skirt – why did i wear the capris? No, it’s good I wore the capris because branching out is good. I wear that skirt all the time.) Why do you raise my hopes like that? Luckily i have this knack to abort any kind of emotion before it grows into something tangible. Don’t come up to me unless you want your life to change. If you’re happy and you’re just here for a visit, I don’t know, find someone else with a skirt.

“I dont consider myself a feminist” <- The line that every self conscious girl says because Feminism has such a bad connotation. ADMIT that vulnerability and need and validation exist and we can all move on comfortably.

She and I crashed the next door party on the rooftop and drank their rum. There might have been a foot and a half between us but I told her everything. She told me a lot too. Both so fragile and both agree that a soiree with just females is not fun for 1, 2, 3 reasons.

Check out the 3:19 train out of Penn. Talk about people who need validation.

Need

Posted in Uncategorized on July 26, 2008 by Anoush

I’m so unsatisfied with you (plural) and I guess I just realized (just now) that i’m unsatisfyable. I have hungers that will never be addressed ’cause I mean, I’m not going to draw attention to these dark pits. (Notice I didn’t say “I have Needs.” I have Needs has become a silly thing to say nowadays. It’s that I need to speak, but my speaking usually ends in people going, “huh?” Continues in me being like, “No i didn’t mean it like that!” Why would I speak? I’m just being melodramatic anyway. (Lies. I actually think i’m pretty good/awesome/cool, whatever. Telling people what you want is gluttonous. It’s asking for their time. Although when the chemistry and moment is right and the validation is far from intentional, it’s intoxicating. It’s Odysseus’ men crawling off the ship toward those lotuses and him having to tie them down like animals. I plug in my phone or put the chord into my laptop thinking “This is what I need.” (In an IV-bag sense not a fuck sense.) You would’ve hated me today – how I acted. I know you didn’t sense anything really wrong, but I did. Huh?

It’s realizing no one will ever understand – which is FINE. Great actually. More for me.

(Hang-out fantasy)
I want to roll around on a floor and giggle and maybe play with a dog. I want to eat brownies and have my hair all straggly around my face as I lick my fingers. I want to laugh until my face turns red and I almost cry. (The brownies were figurative – don’t start baking me stuff. I’ll hate you for it.) I want to watch I Love Lucy and smoke five cigarettes and do those splits and stretch. I want you to pull my hair -not to be mean – just to do it. I want to jump on a trampeline – a Ferris-Beuller-landing-in-slow-motion trampeline. All in my navy blue flannel shirt, and I want to listen to a cracking (crackling) fire, even though I always say I hate the outdoors.

And I feel better a little bit.