Need 2

I watch fast walking people violently eating ice cream cones, heads cocked to the side, trying to catch every inch and they all look so painfully normal. Pencil-thin women from the North Shore tawking about whethah this train goes heeeeya even if it’s an express. Different women with crevices in the back due to bra strap. Dear god there are so many crevices in the female back. Bald fat men drinking and checking out the messy fifteen year old ponytails. And I tell myself there’s gotta be a better place than this. So painfully imperfect and so ok with it. None of them look at themselves and think, “You know what? I’m a horrible human being for being this normal.”

I realize that life has sucked all along. i will NOT be forward and I will NOT chase. Unseemly. It’s not the “I’ve been rejected” feeling that I feer, but the “Ohhh so I definitely AM a fuck up. I wasn’t just telling myself that.”

(THIS ISN’T ABOUT DATING!)

Thinking i’m not so great is much better of an investment. It’s less of a fall just incase the worst happens. Praise me. Think I’m wonderful. Do it MORE THAN you have in the past.
“Is it that you don’t think you deserve to be satisfied?

No, it’s just fighting to avoid that post-satisfied, “now what do we do” feeling. When you get up and go to the next activity. I don’t want to go to the next activity. I didn’t ask for the nex phase of the day. Dissatisfaction is what drives me. Don’t comfort me – comfort is a fat woman sitting on a lime green couch with french fry fingers.

Nurture me. I don’t deserve to be nurtured. Also, People don’t like people who can’t help themselves. It’s frustrating. I can’t take up space properly. And if i do, it’s often time spent thinking about what comes next.

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