I’m so unsatisfied with you (plural) and I guess I just realized (just now) that i’m unsatisfyable. I have hungers that will never be addressed ’cause I mean, I’m not going to draw attention to these dark pits. (Notice I didn’t say “I have Needs.” I have Needs has become a silly thing to say nowadays. It’s that I need to speak, but my speaking usually ends in people going, “huh?” Continues in me being like, “No i didn’t mean it like that!” Why would I speak? I’m just being melodramatic anyway. (Lies. I actually think i’m pretty good/awesome/cool, whatever. Telling people what you want is gluttonous. It’s asking for their time. Although when the chemistry and moment is right and the validation is far from intentional, it’s intoxicating. It’s Odysseus’ men crawling off the ship toward those lotuses and him having to tie them down like animals. I plug in my phone or put the chord into my laptop thinking “This is what I need.” (In an IV-bag sense not a fuck sense.) You would’ve hated me today – how I acted. I know you didn’t sense anything really wrong, but I did. Huh?

It’s realizing no one will ever understand – which is FINE. Great actually. More for me.

(Hang-out fantasy)
I want to roll around on a floor and giggle and maybe play with a dog. I want to eat brownies and have my hair all straggly around my face as I lick my fingers. I want to laugh until my face turns red and I almost cry. (The brownies were figurative – don’t start baking me stuff. I’ll hate you for it.) I want to watch I Love Lucy and smoke five cigarettes and do those splits and stretch. I want you to pull my hair -not to be mean – just to do it. I want to jump on a trampeline – a Ferris-Beuller-landing-in-slow-motion trampeline. All in my navy blue flannel shirt, and I want to listen to a cracking (crackling) fire, even though I always say I hate the outdoors.

And I feel better a little bit.


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