I will tell you what I did today.

I sat on the counter in the gown, ready to talk to her about everything. Expecting to hear that something was wrong with my blood and how I’m going, shall we say, downhill. I told her everything and turns out i’m actually doing some harm to my body. Awesome. Always, awesome. That’s half-sarcasm. I have extremely low cholesterol and great blood – news I almost cried to.  Means I’m ok.
“But watch out about … that….I’m ok with everything except… that…” She said.

“Do you find yourself being anti social because of it?”
“Not really. Well, yeah. I opt for hanging out iwth people at certaint times of the day because of it. but that’s mostly it. I wont like… not see people…”

“I’ve gotten better about it.” And I explained and her eyebrows agreed. I have a friend who’s a doctor who will not tell me what to do, and will listen. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the American Dream.

I raced home and changed and caught a train to the city to meet them for dinner. The dress made me look rather healthy and robust, I was upset about that. The heels were a bad choice, but I don’t believe in flats too many days in a row….They decided on a Sri Lankan restaurant on first Avenue and i got medium spicy. Medium spicy is really spicy and I ate life tonight. It was so good. The waiter’s hair was all messy but purposefully messy. My torso burned for all the right reasons.

It was his birthday and we took the train home. I can be open about my poor self image with him I guess cause, i don’t know… i look down at my lap. “My legs look meatier than usual tonight.”

“And whiter.”

“I know. It’s great. I really just suck.”

I walked in – the front door was open and that meant that someone would annoyingly be in the living room watching tv. I opened it and saw him sitting and watching some documentary thing about mythology and eating a plate of lettuce. He had a bottle of Light salad dressing – newly bought, I could tell (must’ve been a crazy foodshopping spree) – to accompany this late night snack. Could’ve been dinner altogether, who knows. I allowed myself to think like a child for that moment and thought, *This is all your fault.* * I feel guilty that I ate life tonight. You represent kindness and understanding and all the things i want to incorporate into my mannerisms and wrist movements, but not this. From now on you keep your lettuce away from me.

You make me SO uncomfortable in my own skin. I know i’m old and am supposed to not care and am supposed to be all like ‘Listen, Mo’Fo you can do whatever crazy shit you wanna do, but this girl’s gonna be normal. But I can’t. You ruin me so. And she drives me mad.

That’s why I’m with the Stethoscope Lady.


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