Here’s Something

Here’s something I learned. Life doesn’t get better in a poof. In that after days and days of being miserable, holding out, saving (money, milligrams or sodium or sugar), it’s not going to say “You’ve been so good, little girl. Let me now reward you with leisure, beautiful clothing, admirers and a cottage in the country with wireless.” Because life knows that I hate leisure anyway; life knows that I freeze up at admirers; Life knows that i won’t wear those beautiful clothes cause i’ll think they’ll make my arms look fat anyway. Life is…. a genius. Also, excuse me, whoever reads this – whoever gives a fuck, whoever has fuck to give – excuse me for saying “life” too much. I despise its overuse in conversations as if it’s ever NOT life that we’re talking about. It makes the Life-Talker seem like he’s really… BEEN AROUND, YA KNOW? HE’S REALLY RODE THE BONES OFF THAT HORSE <- I don’t know that that’s supposed to mean but yeah. But I use “life” today as if I’m a wizard because it is, in some way, a new discovery I’ve made.

Realizing that there’s no Real such thing as the one. That doing an amazing job at (a job) won’t rake in loads of cash that you can magically float away with. That there’s no real answer, just decisions you make based on whatever has less shit. What kind of world do i wanna live in? One where you can eat gummy worms for dinner – really. But I promise you – even if i got that, I wouldn’t even want it anymore. I’m drawn to depressed folk – the ones that rock that shit. Not the whiney ones. Ooooh let’s hate ourselves together! …Only I do’nt hate myself, but sometimes WHYYY I OUGHTTA!!! Then they’re like, Uh… Actually… Then I’m like… yeah, me too, I don’t know. I guess I’ll be seeing ya.

I went to a dinner with friends-ish kinda thing at his house, people our age, The Big Chill, except no one was dying and no singing. I watched her make the guacomole and watched her prepare those big, chunky cookie-ice cream sandwiches. Such zeal. Such living to eat. Living, actually. Talking about whether we should grill the vegetables or the chicken first, or the skewered shrimps. Fascinating. Biting into life. Looking across the table at those eyes. Laughing. Jesus. Too much all at once. And after dinner, a walk. A stargazing couple – were they a couple? None of my biz. But they both knew that that was venus because it was the brightest thing in the sky. Anyone else chilly? I wanna go back inside and look through the picturesque cookie book that she brought. Cause it’s pretty. I kind of loved it all but sometimes the “We are we are the youth of the na-hation” comments get to me. Like, c’mon. Does anyone else have the urge to go up to their own room and watch some Jim Norton? No? Awesome. Wrong crowd.

What do I do? I dance. I drink and dance. And don’t care. And care at the same time. I don’t stop dancing either. You never know when it’s gonna be like this again. NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE. The rhythm, the people, the weather. Dance Now.

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