Internal Conversations I have With a 5-yr-old Imaginary Child


         What’re you doing?


         What’re you drawing?

         I don’t know.

         Why don’t you know.

         Cause. I dunno, it’s a design.

         What’s a design?

         (FUCK!) It’s, like, something pretty like on a t-shirt or on this tablecloth here.

         That doesn’t look like this tablecloth.

         No, I *KNOW* that. I’m just saying it could be.

         What could be?

         I don’t know! You asked me what a design is.

         What’s a design?

         It’s a drawing that isn’t a real thing.

         Then what is it, then?

         (No answer from me)

         How do you do that?

         I don’t know, I just…

         Are you gonna draw another circle?

         I don’t know!

         OH! I know! It’s a person’s face.

         Fine. Awesome. It’s a person’s face.

         But where’s his mouth?

         (For the motherfucking love of God!)

         Why are you drawing that?

         It helps me relax!

         Are you gonna draw another design after this?


         I’m bored.

         Here. Take some paper and draw something.

         What should I draw?

         I dunno, a rainbow or sun or something.

         I need my markers though. Get my markers for me.

         (Holy Fucking Shit)

         I need my markers.

         Here. Take this pen. You can draw without your markers.

         I can’t draw a sun without my markers.

         So draw something else. Whatever you want.

         Like, a dog?

         If you want. Draw a squiggle.

         That’s silly.

         Or draw 100 circles and one squiggle.

         You’re weird.

         Ok. I’m weird.

         You’re REALLY weird.

         No, YOU’RE weird.

         No, I’m not.

         No, actually you’re not. Don’t tell your mom I said that.

         My mom says you’re weird.

         That’s nice.

–     Are you still drawing a design?


         I’m bored.

         Are you hungry?


         Do you wanna watch Beauty and the Beast?

         I don’t like the beast.

         Fine. Do you still have those pipe cleaners from your birthday?


         If you got ‘em I’ll show you how to make flowers with ‘em.


         Yeah. How many do you have left?

         All of them.

         You didn’t open ‘em yet?


         Ok bring ‘em over here and I’ll make you a bouquet. Do you likedaisies or daphodils?

         (Urrrrrr, I’m a child who doesn’t know different kinds of flowers.)

         Cool. I’ll make both kinds. We’ll decorate the whole house.


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