Me attempting to write about what I’ve been up to

Yeah so umm Last weekend I went to the Camp Nubar reunion and it was really awesome. Magical even, I say magical because it’s like something you could’ve put into a movie. A movie with very little plot but with a great coming of age story (ew). Let’s not call it coming of age – let’s call it maturation. Not that the evening itself held the maturation but oh my god you know what i’m talking about.

I got there early and i didn’t want to be the first one there, also camp nubar has been a home to people of two generations, maybe three. and I didn’t want to arrive to be the only one from mine. Plus I wasn’t sure if i was dressed appropriately. I wasn’t wearing sequins and high heels. So there was NOT an armenian band which was great. There was a jazz band, an open bar, an auction (ew, the only ew) but it’s armenian so ya gotta. I saw Inge, the cool girl from the Netherlands with the thick black glasses who was a counselor one of the five years I’ve gone who decided to come before this concert she had to go to. How do i put this: I SAW EVERYONE. It was good. That’s all. So i went home via subway by myself which was fine, as always, then waited at Penn. Saw the Marines, got on my train, rode home, made it to my bed, slept and woke up too early the next morning.

Next morning: worked on writing that i’m still iffy about, read (head pounding) went to Improv 101 classes and enjoyed. I could do this. I could live this. I could french kiss this whole establishment.

Then I stumbled back onto the train, rode home and waited til a normal time to go to sleep so i’d sleep fully. and Oh My God, how i did NOT sleep well that night. the next few days were a series of nightmares and early wake ups followed by tryings to go back to sleeps but so interrupted by thinking of loans and how the fuck that all works and when the fuck that’s all gonna start AND ohhhhhh AND how little money I’m going to have in life. <- I did it again, i said “in life.” Fuck, i’ll leave it.

Then i had a gyno appointment one of those lack-or-sleep days. Usually i’m ok with them, actually enjoy them, think they’re cool. So much going on in there. BUT this time, It was very technical and there was nothing soft or warm about the whole visit. Whatever that means, take from it what you will. I wasn’t expecting it that quickly and I almost kicked the doctor away from me and i put my hands over my face and started crying <- due to lack of sleep, not cause i’m sensitive about women (doctors) touching me. She asked me if I had ever been “hurt’ in the past that could have brought this on. I said “I wish.” then i was like NO NO NO NO I Didn’t mean it like that! What I meant was, I WISH cause that would explain why…. but yeah you didn’t need me to spoonfeed you that last line. So then I went home.

This weekend was a lot better. Saturday is a secret I’ll keep to myself. Sunday was good too. I went back to my class and got all their email addresses – now I can be a normal, status quo stalker instead of the scary alternative. I went out for Indian food afterwards and had a conversation about art and inspiration. I went home and my mom was cooking five different things for the week and my brother was being Lowell from the show WINGS and I just wanted to get something from the fridge and go up to my room, but I would have to have a conversation first cause not having one would be mean and weird. I DON’T WANNA TALK I DONT’ WANNA TALK. NOTHING’S WRONG, NOTHING’S WRONG, NOTHING’S WRONG. oh, here’s your train ticket – the one we share, the one i can’t afford on my own, in the house we share which is fine but ohhhhh and right, how the things I did today were all fun and voluntary – not pay-y. <- things my voices tell me, not things *they* tell me. but who knows, right?

Get OUT! Oh wait, that’s right, this is YOUR house. So *I’ll* Get out and… oh wait, no I won’t. No I can’t.

So I’m here now…. Being not good enough, again? Damnit. Damnit. (Voices)


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