I laughed in the middle of a scene yesterday. Broke character, aka fucked up the scene (or made it better, more real) who knows. Long story short, I enjoyed the laughing even though it was wrong. I cried a little it was so funny. I possibly think i need it real badly  and my inner laughies challenged my angries to a royal Fuck-You.

I’m meeting more huggable people now and that’s really nice. Maybe I’m a monster who gets so sad and so famished who maybe only THINKS she’s so “without” that she’ll just use people and their offerings sucking life out of one person at a time, feeding some imaginary need. Maybe I’m a large barnyard animal. One who’s never happy til she gets it her way and when she does, she’s just bored. Or is so used to feeling wrong about things that when things are right, well, then FUCK.

What is loneliness, really? Is it hanging out with your friends and only engaging in the conversation 3 or 4 times. Feeling like you want to go higher, but don’t think these folks can follow you, but then realize you don’t even have what it takes to function on this NORMAL level, that you doubt you’ll ever get higher anyway? Feeling waves of slow-motion laughs, dark lighting. The laughs don’t make sense and they’re repetitive and you want better? haha, she wants better. She wants happier. Cute. Train rides.

Fucking train rides, mannnn. Fucking train rides and ear phones. Fucking walking…….man, to music. Til i actually have to get back to the place i’m “train”ing to. And you tell yourself, well i DO have to pee, and the place i’m going back to DOES have a bathroom. And a kitchen. And a room, a few rooms actually. We’ll get into the people later.

*I don’t trust any of you. Most of you are all parasites – wellread parasites – and I know this because i’m one too. I know that smell. And as soon as i get comfortable, I get suspicious. Face-scraping, neck-biting, inspiration, sure, but then more neck biting. No? Am i wrong? GOOD! Let me be wrong. Let me be SO wrong.

“Would you prefer a……..NON parasite world? One with butterflies and pina coladas?” “No. Actually, no I wouldn’t.” “Cause you LIKE the parasites. LOVE ’em, even.” “Yeah, i like the parasites.” “They get you all riled up and they make you strong and you BANG BANG BANG on your tummy muscles.” “Yeah, I like the parasites.”

I don’t like when non-Spanish (speaking) people say “Hola” as their greeting all the time as if it’s their “thing.”

I haven’t the patience for humorous commentary on how absurd a situation is. If I’ve heard it before and if i KNOW you’re doing it to cover up something, I don’t waste my acknowledgment muscles on you. I haven’t the time. I’m also let down with your stoop on the humor scale. Especially if you’re so bright and beautiful and have nothing to hide anyway.  Right there is when I make the judgment that it’s gonna take another OHHHHHHH 6 months to a year before we find out who you really are. Maybe longer. Definitely longer.

I like the use of Kiddo. Not from people my own age, or people who work above me, but anyone else, Kiddo is real good. Maybe it’s ’cause we’re equals but you’re slightly thicker or stronger (not necessarily stronger) and OK with how I’m still so unsure.


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