I often do double takes with my ears when my boss tells me the projects she’s worked on. It doesn’t come up , like, out of the blue, but if we’re talking about something specific, she’ll bring up an anecdote or use a scene from a movie to illustrate a situation. I like conversations that you have to bring Douglas Sirk into in order to prove a point. Then I realize she knew Fassbinder on a friend-friend basis. Ear-double-take. I find that cool. I find that extremely cool. It doesn’t stop there, though, or at him. I find people who know or knew people of that era goosebump-worthy. The era, the person, everything you know? Don’t be naive, Anoush. No, I’m not being naive. I’m falling in love, ok? I’m falling in love. Rainer Fassbinder was in my dream, ok?
Archive for October, 2008
For example, I walk through the front door on Tuesday night after I come back from Harold Night (Oh my F’ing God – so good.) i have started to sit in the first row so i can see the improvisors’ faces, like i’m trying to get closer and closer to… truth or something like that. So i come home after Harold night and my brother’s up doing his AP English homework. he has to remember definitions for his vocab test and can’t. My first thought is: IT’S 11 PM, WHY IS MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER AND A RUNNING SINK ALL IN THE KITCHEN AT ONCE? He can’t grasp the definition of the word “Connotation.” I describe, I describe, I describe – Nothing. Is the thing you’re COMPARING it to the connotation? Or is it the thing that’s being compared? No, it’s not either of the things. it’s the situation or the thing that happens between them. It’s like a metaphor. Nothing. Can you give me an example of a food that has a connota — Hotdog. Penis. Melons. Breasts. Can you think of something besides body parts? (not really.) Ok, ok, ok. In Best in Show, when the two gay guys are checking into the hotel, the hotel clerk asks them if they want a queen sized bed and one of the gay guys says “What are you sssssssssuggesting?” <- that is a connotation. The Queenness of the bed can be the size and also the fact that they’re gay. Connotation. Nothing. (It was a fucking great example, though.)
I got an email from important people telling me they enjoyed the short piece I sent them, and they asked me if i lived close to the NYC area. Quick email. So, I think… I want to sound interested Quickly and very able to come into the city whenever Quickly and state the phrase ‘Long Island” but let them know that i’m not too Long Island Quickly and that (maybe) i should say that I have a background in this and that the interest to discuss the project comes from a familiar place Quickly. So I wrote it. I was happy with it. I shouldn’t overthink it because their email wasn’t too overthought. To the point. But authorities can do whatever they want. Hey maybe I can be an authority, too. No. Maybe. I wrote it. Clicked send, then wondered for the next 45 minutes. Did i sound too cute? Shit. I hate cute. Now I’m cute. I’m a cute girl who gets all excited the minute someone tells her she’s good. So I talked to Naeem and asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a look at something and to respond positively because I already clicked send and I’ll be too upset to hear the truth. He said Ok. He said I sound a tad Kathy Griffin-ish. DAMN IT. Shit. Fuck. Shit. But not to worry because some people like that – WHO LIKES THAT? HUH? WHICH PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT FIFTY-YEAR-OLD WOMEN WHO NEED TO LAUGH *LIKES* THAT? Not Kathy Griffin, he says… A bit excited. The smile i had on my face after reading their “we’re interested” email is so far away from the situation now. It’s a memory. But, he said, you sound endearing. That’s good. You sound ready to work and it’s well-written. Maybe he’s lying because I’m at work and I can’t cry at work. I did sound endearing though. Some people like that. I’ll stop thinking about it now. Damnit. Really damnit. Then I showed it to my friend Hal. Hal who is my friend and he said it’s fine. Maybe this, this, and this, but it’s fine. Oh, I really like being just fine. Just fine is great. A few hours have gone by and I’ve moved onto the next thing. In a good way. Just wait til I start talking about my job and the types of things i get to do. The kinds of Film Independentish things I get to do. I might be a tad over excited. Or just endearing. <- See how I brought it home?
I dislike that “keep bleeding” song.
I dislike that “I love you always forever” song
I dislike that “Bad girls don’t cry” song
I dislike that “Feel the rain on your skin” song
I dislike that “You’ll never see me againnnn” song
I dislike that “No one, no one” Alycia Keys song.
I dislike that “I keep on falling in and out of love” Alycia Keys song. (I like Alycia Keys – love her voice and her face – but I feel a dull pain in the side of my neck when I hear those two songs.)
Message to self: Don’t think about everything (like the future, even the immediate future, like what to expect when you walk into your house when you get home) all at 11 a.m. Better to just enjoy the moment. Enjoy the…. florescent light-lit moment. The “it’s cold in my room” moment. The “Fuck you’s I say out loud but don’t think you hear moment.
It’s getting the kind of cold where my nose just runs. Just… runs.
I’m not really that angry. I don’t think.
And i said to not listen to him, ’cause maybe (i’m 80% sure… he used to be a screw up too) AND people who tell you what you SHOULD be doing usually just want to a) hear themselves talk and b) feel like they’re BIGGER and BETTER. And, i mean, he IS bigger so…
She says he needs to choose his words more wisely because the things he says aren’t helpful – “Those words talk down to me.” And I said, I’ve been there. I listen to taller people way too much. Now I listen to good actors and improvisers. “Why don’t you move out?” she asks me. I don’t know. I don’t have the money. I would rather save money (that i still haven’t made) and write and be discovered, than move out and spending all the money (I still haven’t made.) then i got into health insurance and co-pays then we discussed therapists. See, the thing about people who give you advice is that they should bubububububu Not do that. Advisers do not listen. They solve. Listeners invite you to speak and hear yourself talk and let you come up with the answers by yourself. (Or at least let you THINK you’re coming up with the answers by yourself.)
And I apologized to her for giving her such cut and dry man advice in the past because I was doing most of the talking. Aka, needing to hear myself talk. Good how I’m learning.
Then I went to see a show. It was great. Then i came home and my mom was up working. She mentioned….ohhhh…. that we’re going to be cheap with the heating this year. As much as we can. Alrighty. That’s ok, i guess. Desparately Seeking Susan was playing in the background as she was filling out paperwork. (I can’t watch movies over and over that frequently, especially since it was on two nights ago, see other entries where I elaborate on that.) I run upstairs, with a plate of something, and she asks me to throw down a nightgown (preferably one with sleeves) and a quilt – means she’s sleeping downstairs. Preferably, preferably. My brother already has both blankets in his room. Internal Voice: ALLOW ME TO LIVE (FOR FIVE MINUTES FROM THE MOMENT I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.) I’ll massacre you all. Hey! Yay for the use of “Massacre” in a non-Armenian context! Five points for me!
-It’s like… I get really down when I don’t do really well, or don’t make breakthroughs. I have thin skin. I’m thin skinned.
-You should wear layers.
Don’t ask me how my weekend was – I hate questions like that. I did have a sex-dream where I had sex with myself, like I had sex with a whole other Anoush who was a man. She was a tad meatier than I was, not chubby – just… I don’t know, just healthier. She was cute. (I was the woman, though, in my dream.) I was embarrassed about how much I enjoyed/was comfortable with the idea. I saw someone from UCB waiting outside, kind of like… oh, this is what all the cool people in Chelsea are doing – having sex with themselves – so it’s not weird that i’m doing it.
I found out i’m EXTREMELY self conscious – not just selfconscious – selfconscious. we were takign turns doing monologues based on suggestions from the class/audience and I had a crystal-clear story but another classmate stepped out at the exact same time and I so easily invited him to do his story instead of mine. My teacher gave me a raised-eyebrow look/smirk kind of like… Anoush… Then i realized I should’ve just stood up there and done it (like last week – last week’s was great). It hurt to stand there (even though his story was so good) standing there… knowing I was a coward. I cried the whole ride home on the train. (I’m a coward – i have to go home to my house (which isn’t a horrible thing, some people have fathers/mothers who beat them, or some people are poor, so perspective-perspective-perspective) I don’t want to go home to this shit and that shit and your shit and his shit, and I’m just so sad. I’m really just so sad.
I went and hung out with Amenda Fleming, went shopping, talked talked talked and had dinner while watchign 3rd Rock From the Sun episodes. I had such a good time – it was the healthiest thing i’ve done in a while. I haven’t talked so much in a while because I don’t usually speak. It felt great. Then i took the train home to this shit and his shit and her shit and our shit.
Then I woke up and watched a few episodes of Married with Children and then went into the city to my class — the class where I found out i am a coward. I bought a black denim skirt – one that will go with so many different things. My tears were warm and wet. I mean, my face was warm and wet. I listened to that Charles Aznavour song about 4 times in a row. I cried quiet on the train then walked to my house crying loud. What do I do? You know? What do I do?
You know what else I think? I think most of the friends I’ve made at Purchase aren’t real friends. I think most of the friends I’ve made anywhere aren’t real friends. i don’t care how many facebook pictures we have with each other. I have these people, here, who are great for bouncing ideas off of, and who help me become better at what I do; then I have these people here who’re just people. I’m looking for people who won’t eat me.