Archive for November, 2008

Something New

Posted in Uncategorized on November 23, 2008 by Anoush

And that’s when my inner Charlie Sheen says, “Your problem is you.” Then i go: “EXCUSE me?” “Excuse YOU.” And look ahead again, scrunching my mouth to the side. I’m fighting against being a human screensaver. Ass-to-Fire, everyone. Let’s go. Notice the cute burns on my bum, figuratively speakinguhhh.

When Friends tell you advice – give you advice, give’s better – you should listen. Listen DOUBLE if they’re boys. Don’t have to TAKE it, just listen. Just make sure they got enough back story. N told me that I should try being / letting myself be a girl for a little while… see how it goes. And not scare people away with my t-t-toughness. I said Maybe i don’t know no-maybe – I’ll be just like the rest of them, then. Give you license to make all those jokes. He knew what I meant by Them, too. I didn’t mean Women – I like the Women. I meant… them.

And it made sense cause the response was, “True…” The Constant-Sex-And-The-City referencers. The 90% unfunny sex. The girls who ask men “how was your day” a million times and say expressions like “treat myself” and “Shoe Fetish” as if it’s daring and Oo-la-la. (Shoes are great, though.) Giggles about such things give me this nag feeling on the back of my neck. Nor can I stand women who announce: “I get along sewwwww much better with men.” All I say to that is “…issues.” How ’bout “I get along better with people who don’t drive me insane and make me second-guess myself all the time.” <- Not something you bring up at a cocktail party, but maybe over a quiet game o’ Gin Rummy.

* I’m not a women-on-women hater. But it’s easy to just say I HATE THIS – I HATE THAT. As an arrrrrrtist, I’m saying, as an arrrrrrtist. I would like a good bunch of heroes. I have one, no two, who I admire – find funny – find SMART, but I’d like to add.

So, somewhere in between. It’s harder than you think. What blows my mind is that the LESS ready you are to bite someone’s head off, the STRONGER you are. Actually. Actually. Also, I’m brilliant.

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Profound

Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2008 by Anoush

I hate blogs. I think they’re self-indulgent and glamorize the art of living in the sidelines instead of living in the living. That they teach you to crawl sideways, crab-sideways, instead of walking forward like a forward-walking Raquel Welch in that bathing suit with her hair blowing in the wind in whatever movie that was. But every so often, crabs are alright. The things/people/work I call self-indulgent possess something that I secretly want more of. The whole-wheat kind of self-indulgent.

Long story short, blogs can stay.

Something

Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2008 by Anoush

Oprah calls them “Aha! Moments.” Gross, yeah. I call them “….Oh’s.” Actually forget it – i don’t call ’em ANYTHING. Just, i don’t know, moments I have with myself. We have books hidden ALLOVER this friggin’ place, no one-real library, just different alcoves where books…. stand. Spine-spine-spine-spine CD Spine-spine-spine Piano – spine-spine-spine coffee mug. Crazy. This might be one of those things where I give myself a Dorothy talking-to and say, “listen. Maybe all this stuff is just in your own backyard. ” <- or WHATEVER the word-for-word is. (My indifferece to the Wizard of Oz is only a cover.) But it’s the times when I FIND The Dramatists Sourcebook or Four plays by Eugene Ionesco right by all those Armenian books and Paul Klee books where i think, Oh he’s got ’em here already. I said to him, I didn’t know you kept all these Beckett plays here…”You know how we’re not so different you and I? …Well, we’re not so different you and I.” — Him. (Paraphrased by me.) But that wasn’t the moment though.

And now for something completely different: It’s always nice to get a good dose of Borderline. Song-wise, not the mental condition – I thought I should clarify.

But here’s the moment:

I’ve been reading this book of Best American Short Stories – it’s got the best american short stories in it – and of course I read them out of order because that’s how you should. This one time, I went right for  the first line, didn’t read the author, or title, just started. I thought, This is very cold and sad and lonely but sexy and weird. Very Raymond Carver. *Goosebumps* ’cause i like him. Then I look up and see that he was the author. I don’t know. Little things like that. I remember taking a book of his short stories to Gino’s and just reading it while answering phones. Pissed off at customers for interrupting. Hoping the spine wouldn’t give out before I finished it. Or returned it to the library.

Things people say (to me) that I LOVE. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” “Yeah. Gorgeous” I watch her jewel glitter in my hand. “That was a blowjob ring.” (WHOA OMG REALLY?) “Really.” Still looking. “What kind of jewelry do you like?” “I like earings – big earrings.” “No, I’m talking jewels – rings, necklaces. Do you know what that is you’re holding?” “It’s an emerald.” “Good girl.”

Remember the F’ians

Posted in Uncategorized on November 11, 2008 by Anoush

Getting Personal:

My mom loves certain movies with all – with all- her heart. She bites into them. Feels cozy ’bout ’em. She said (to me) “At some point, when you were a kid, you were afraid of being warm” “Giving.” It was “Giving” that she said not “warm.” Why be warm when everything else is so cold(?) (Anyway that was LAST thursday.)

Last night, Remember the Titans was on. My mom can watch the same movie (depending on how into it she is) over and over and will enjoy it the same way as she did the first time. I find that childish. My defense-mechanismed-armor calls that Childish. Just like a girl with braids eats a bowl of macaroni and cheese in her school uniform at a kitchen table after school

My mom loves football movies – Wildcats, ummmm what’s another football movie. So far, I got Remember the Titans and Wildcats. She loves Denzel. She likes when movies do it well. “There’s something to be said for people who ‘play to win.””

My dad doesn’t play to win ’cause he still doesn’t have a career job-job and writes poetry, and just gets depressed and sits in that depression. (I think, i’m not sure. Maybe I’m wrong.) My brother doesn’t play to win ’cause he spends more time getting nervous about his HW rather than doing it. And saying things like ‘Dude,” “Awesome” and “Totally” a lot. (He’s also 17). I don’t play to win because I let myself get so upset by the littlest things when i don’t even KNOW upset (I think. I’m not sure. maybe I’m wrong.) A bunch of people who can’t move forward(?) A bunch of people who just make art when life gets tough(?) I asked BACK this time instead of just nodding (she says that “play to win” thing a lot.) “Who doesn’t play to win? In this house – who doesnt’ play to win? Dad?”

She says, “I dunno… me?” AHA!

And THEN I realize my mom wants me to do for HERwhat I want her to do for me. So i bring my tea in and sit on the couch with an internal, “Well I guess I’m gonna have to watch this.” <- I’m a prick sometimes.

She turns to me: Look at this scene. This movie has so many, like, little moments, she tells me. I’m watching my mother clap (not really) like she’s a five year old watching The Little Mermaid. (Not a bad thing – I love the Little Mermaid.) “This is all my music, too. Music from my time. It’s the Temptations, it’s great.”

Before the actual watching, i had run downstairs for a cup of tea then asked her if she’d like to have a cigarette w/ me on the porch. She said yeah and we stood (she sat) outside. “I know you’re never going to watch Remember the Titans in your life, so i’ll just tell you what happens.” She told me the whole movie, while I just wanted a cigarette because I’m a bastard. Kinda like, Look, Lady… (I watched it anyway.)

It’s sentimentality that scares me. I tell myself that too much of it forms plaque on the brain and any other part of the body, limiting one’s form of escaping, should life paralyze you and hold you down. Limits you from making a change. Growing up. I steer away from that “way” because, well, wouldn’t Playing to Win mean getting up from a chair, separating yourself from a movie, or the NEED for the movie? Even if you are tired? However, nevertheless, for better or for worse, isn’t it also learning to not be a cold, douchebag prick as a form of self-defense?

Part II

Even when I was a kid, and I’d have toasted bagels for breakfast, I’d scrape the butter onto the toast so hard because I didn’t like seeing the yellow pats of butter. I didn’t want to SEE it. My mom could put pats of butter on toasted halves and wait a half minute for them to melt some, and would just start having breakfast. But I hated The Yellow. If i saw it on top of pancakes, or waffle, or piece of toast, or even melting in a pan before cooking something, i’d react like Wayne when Terminator-2 cop pulls him aside asking if he’s “Seen this boy.”

Not so hateful lately

Posted in Uncategorized on November 11, 2008 by Anoush

I decided to wear a dress. Not sure if it’s wintery enough, fabric-wise, especially since the stockings are opaque and the heels… opaque. I’m not really fashion savvy, just Not-Looking-Like-A-Rhinocerus savvy. My heels click too loudly in the uncarpeted side of the office. I don’t wnt attention, i’m just tired of jeans.

In the kitcheonette I pass a coworker who peels a kiwi. I tiptoe around her looking for a cup for tea. “Why are you tiptoeing? What’s wrong with your boots making a little noise?” I say, “They make too MUCH.” “No. It is what it is.” Translation: Take Up Space, Anoush. (Thank you.)

Rewind to last night where I said “It’s like I’ve been on a diet for the last ohhh I don’t know and someone finally came to tell me it’s ok to stop now. I’m sorry. I relate everything to food. (A figurative diet – please don’t feed me now.”

Response:”They say the way people eat is the way they have sex.” I’m not sure if that’s true, but

But, I HATE LUNCH. i HATE FOOD-FOOD FOR LUNCH. People around the office discussing where they’re going to go for lunch, what they’ll order. (I CAN’T DO IT!)Once you eat dinnerish food at noon, or one, or even three, what’s left?There you are, all full, all satiated and what are your plans besides going back to your desk and working, again, right? Wouldn’t you rather eat light during the day and wait for some evening? Some real drama instead of cheating at noon?

Like, last week, he said let’s go to this restaurant for dinner. It was restaurant week. I was ok with it cause A. He’s my good friend and B. it was evening. A restaurant known for sprinkling sugar on their tortilla chips and their pumpkin flan. (I didn’t want either.) But I went cause A. He’s my good friend and B. it was evening and C. I needed a good conversation. Nothing on the menu was Anoush-friendly. Inside, i think, “Ok, I’m going to have to act tonight.” Aka, order what i THINK i should order and pick at it and smile. “Til Keith, our watier, says we have seered red snapper with capers. (Probably the third thing he mentioned in his “specials” monologue.) Can I have that? Can I Please have that? (I ask permission.) But it was me – all me. I don’t believe in appetisers on a financial/economic level, but I wasn’t going to be the finnicky bastard I usually am. I asked for balsamic vinegarette with it and they brought it to me on a plate with a doiley and a silver spoon. That was all me, too. Once I knew the coast was clear, a cocophany of non acting ensued. My favorite.

Try the flan, he says. (I didn’t want the flan.) Live a little bit. (I lived plenty.) I took my TIME with that snapper. Even the sauce it came in. Even the capers. So, I’m good, thanks. When I like something, I like it, ok? The snapper told me it’s ok.

If this entry had A.D.D.,

Posted in Uncategorized on November 8, 2008 by Anoush

-I had a dream where I finally got over every little insecurity and kissed you. Actually you kissed me, and I didn’t pull away. It was more like Thank God.

-I’m fully aware that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

-My boss gave me a keychain from Egypt (I think it’s from Egypt…) and I kind of love it?

-I’ve had more heart-to-hearts with people of my age group who ALSO feel like they’re wasting their better years.

-I have this fear/concern that people are always laughing at me. The amounts of time I waste thinking about this could feed an entire third world nation.

-I have this new self indulgent habit that i do almost every day.

– I get to go to the Gotham Awards Breakthrough Actors’ Panel at the Gotham Theater in the city. I’m kind of really looking forward to that.

-When I wake up, the first thing i think about is “How can I make this scene better.”

-“I think you have these masochistic tendencies because you’re so hungry for cradling.” — Mystery Person

-“Why are you standing in the middle of the street?” — Mattie Timms to me as i patiently waited or the right lane traffic to stop speeding through mid air.

-“You deserve a martini after today.” My boss at KLF.

– My friend’s getting married in early January

– I’m getting old. Old and still immature. Not, like OMIGOD, I’M GETTING SO OLD, but more like… wow, I hated things/me in high school, hated things/me in college, what ELSE and for how much longer will i hate? Then i realize it’s MY fault. But I still would like to punch a hole in a wall.

So, what do you want? What do you want so you can go out and start doing it?

-Being happy with something I’ve written (drama-wise.) Although I don’t think any Drama-ite really is COMPLETELY HAPPY with what he/she has written.

-I’d like an improv class to open up. (which will happen, It’s just a matter of not wanting to jump off something prior to that.)

-I’d like to giggle with someone without worrying that i may be over-giggling. Like, letting golden oldie jokes take over.

-I’d like to show you all.

-I’d like to dance.

-I’d like a couple corduroy blazers.

-I’d like blonder hair.

(wow the last three items are totally doable.

In a conversation I had recently, I found out that I’m afraid to open up because if i do, there’s no going back and i’ll just blow up, letting my runny insides explode over the prim and proper, buttoned-up folk who can keep it together and smell like roses.

An exercise where I list positive things so that I can convince (myself) that things aren’t really that bad. Knock on wood. Spit on the ground. Hop on your right leg. And never put your pocketbook on the ground.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 6, 2008 by Anoush

– I like my job at Koch Lorber Films and am learning about film distribution. Second guessing myself only a small portion of the time.

– I’m working on a play.

– I’m working on a screenplay. (Both drive me insane and make me feel inadequate and frustrated, but I’m still keeping them open.)

– I went out to dinner in Roslyn and my friend said I could have anything on the menu. Red snapper with capers. Also a salad with pickled-i-think red onion.

-I got the fake-blood stain out of my white shirt from Killgore.

– Oh, and I’m making friends at UCB.

– I……… I don’t know. I’m saving a little…….money?

– I completed an improv 101 class at Upright Citizens and had a show last saturday.

– I’m doing more twists? you know, like, twists? And my back muscles are sore. I’m lifting weights?

– Obama won.