The voice told me I have to stop acting all toughand being so ready to fight. Gives the impression that I hate everything (for real) and scares people away. That’s when I flail my arms, shake my palms (Maybe a British accent) ‘n say, “I don’t do impressions!”

I recall telling a friend about a dream i had where I was locked in a room with someone with drool dribbling from his mouth who had a low, stupid voice and I couldn’t run away fast enough. Friend’s response was Sounds like something’s holding you back. … Really? Held in a room, that was locked beforehand? That unfortunate turn of events is MY fault? Maybe. I have no faith in any of you anymore. It’s ok. Nothing drastic. Realization: If you all think about things the same way I think about things, well, then we’re all fucked. As a people. Love won’t exist (It doesn’t, it exists for a little while, then stuff happens, stuff widens.) Being saved doesn’t exist – saving yourself does (Gross) Also: I will NEVER tell those certain people exactly how i feel. it’s a silly, stupid, stupid thing to do. it’s doe-eyed. Naive and easily fuckable. Red faced; 2nd Grade; an “OMG I left my permission slip at home” kinda thing.

A confidante of mine who’s seen more, knows more asks: IS it worth telling @!#$*&^@# how you feel? My response is NO. Why… would… I do that? Give you my soul on a plate with a steak knife? Dare i say, “Fuck that.” Or daintily batting eyes (return of British accent) “*DO* fuck that.” “Enough with feelings. i’m off to my Krumping lesson.”

It’s more like, Wow. People are just as lost/holding back/cynical but-not-enough-to-admit-it-or-do-anything-constructive-about-it as *I* am. Well, fuck, then. A bunch of half-emoting stupids roaming the streets, drinking cafe lattes, taking the subway, GOING to Subway, ordering… subs.


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