I was determined to go to work today even though everyone was all SNOW DAY, YAY. I needed to go be productive. i needed to NOT be in the house for a whole day with EVERYONE. I watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s at my cousin’s house last night. That has nothing to do with anything. This morning i left the house realizing i was knee deep in snow so i shoveled. All the laziness that i felt might’ve gathered up over the weekend slowly worked off. I wasn’t being lazy, i just didn’t torture myself – but such things feel like laziness to me. No one was awake except for my half-awake mother who heard me leave, who thought i should probably call in (absent) and stay home. I didn’t want to. I also wanted things from the outside world that a car could help me get. It took me a while to shovel all the way to the car and when I reached it, I couldn’t even get to the door handle. The car was a snowball. A NOT-CUTE snowball. Maybe it was the fight i overheard last night, or the way I’ve forgotten how to breathe correctly. My arms hurt now and I’m glad. Maybe it was the facebook picture i found so unattractive and how i wanted someone to kick that girl in the face, smack that gentle face expression off of her. Scrape it off. Punch her in the stomach. Then I realized it wasn’t the picture. I walked into the house again, my fingers burned. I was tired because I woke up very early on account of a nightmare I had… something about me having two mouths. One on top of the other and both were braced shut. How i could feel both mouths. It was disgusting. How by the end of the dream (which i liked) the braces undid themselves and I was able to move. Also, i was returning to my usual one mouth face, which was a relief. At the end of the dream i said, “Boy does it feel good to talk!” Which i found semi-profound. So i was up for a while but knew i wanted to go work. My mom was like CALL WORK AND TELL THEM YOU CAN’T GET THE CAR OUT! I noticed my mom was watching NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER on HBO, which i’ve seen twice in the past two weeks, now that it’s on over and over. I called and found out the office was open. Even though schools were closed, even though colleges were closed. I wanted to go but now the CAR was telling me no, goddamnit. I went back out and scraped all the ice off – my socks were icy, filled with ice now. Great. Knee deep in dick, I MEAN ice. I started the car BEFORE i scraped which is the right thing to do and eventually got in. backing out, well i couldn’t back out. the amazing shoveling job i didn’t wasn’t that great. I turned off the car and ran up to the porch and got the shovel again and shoveled. My mom must’ve woken up my father to come help me ’cause he was putting on his second glove running out. He motioned for me to open the window – i did. He said I should scrape the ice off of all the windows before i leave. Which he did. He said, “Do you really want to go to work?” I nodded, with wide eyes but serious, “I really want to go to work.” I backed out and slowly drove over. As i was 3/4 there, I lost complete control of the car and spun in a circle and crashed into a pile of snow on the side of the road. I put it in reverse and the wheel just spun. I put it in drive and changed positions then put it in reverse. the wheel just spun around. I didn’t even scream (when it happened) it was more like “awww no.” So i waited there with my foot on the break. Weird, weird, weird, but THANK GOD, the Roslyn Rescue… van? police? Firehouse? RESCUE PEOPLE pulled up next to me and two guys got out of the van. They told me to put the car in reverse and that they were going to push me out. They tried. (I noticed they weren’t wearing gloves and I offered them gloves, then realized how stupid that sounded.) A cop pulled up and helped and then some other guy showed up and helped. I had four men AND A COW that just randomly showed up, too, all to help me outta this. (It was kind of awesome.) I got out and thanked them so much. Driving to work i was nervous as hell. Finally I swiped in and answered emails. It hit me how tired I was. then I went to get my third/final shot for this new vaccine they’re getting all the girls to get. I drove home like a normal person who pulled her weight.

Something I discovered: When my work (writing/or general) is good, I’m good. When it’s iffy, I become easily snagged. I fight to keep my work good, damnit. I get lost and those snag’ers are EVERYWHERE. I can’t wait for level two improv.


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