What I did today (I hate these kinds, but)

Couldn’t find my phone and I called it from the house. Didn’t hear it ringing in real life so it meant it was either outside on the ground somewhere or in the car which was out and in use by someone else OR maybe/OH GOD somewhere between NYC and my bedroom. While on the phone I winced as I knew I’d be hearing my voicemail prompt soon and SONOFABITCH. My critique: Trainwreck. It wasn’t BAD, but it was just so sincere and bubbly and sweet and SO due for a beating. Also recorded 3-4 years prior. I remember the room I was in as I recorded it, reminding me of 3-4 years earlier…

There was a time when I believed that if i was just myself – no, ‘myself’ is the wrong word. Where I could just be honest about things – or how I feel (maybe even be emotional) it would benefit me more. My problem was I was never good at following through. Spurts of confidence (no, confidence is the wrong word.) Spurts of strength, sincerity, feeling (maybe even emotion) all followed by /OH GOD/ followed by the reality of how what you just said is just SO naive and BAM! KNUCKLE SANDWICH! Like, Aw isn’t it cute? She likes expressing herself. So there’s that, then there’s the fear I’d get to the point where I’d have to be ‘cool.” Cool to cover up the mushy, soft shelled stuff that pretty much? everyone has, but never owns up to. I always knew “cool” was a fake and tried hard to stay away from simple sugars, Then i hear myself (actually hear myself) and it’s like “ehhh you know what? Maybe you NEED some simple sugar.” Cause all this wholesome stuff I’ve been such a fan of just makes me blush like an idiot. So, I’ll take this “Mr. Cool” brown paper bag and put it over my head and comment on our silly world saying things like, “For serious?” and “Booo!” (Uh… sorry) And eventually I found it.

I erased it – not ’cause of brown paper bags. More ’cause it’s been about four years already.


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