I’ll probably delete this tomorrow or tear it up. “Tear it up” is better. I probably WILL have gotten more than three hours by then and WILL have felt more normal and will read this and think, “JERK!” Or OH, that was so 24 hours ago. That was SO not worth the anger. Not worth the energy to NOT get over and instead transcribe into some inanimate 2Dimentional useless piece of garbage. I shouldn’t go into work today. I’ll see the same gray floors and carpeting on three hours and think, WOW – REMEMBER THE LAST 47 TIMES THIS HAPPENED? And how you were SO SURE and faithful that you’d just bounce back? Things you tell yourself that the human body actually does. Work isn’t what I need a day off from. I cleaned out my room yesterday, frightened. Frightened because when I get rid of stuff, I get ridddd of stuff. Have such little attachment to mostly everything (Except 2 or 3 things) that if you said, Here, Honey-baby, you have the freedom to demolish all you want, well, and then watch the FUCK out. I don’t need all these clothes. I have loose papers, though, or writings folded into fourths and wedged into the corners of my book shelf – dangerous, so I’m staying away from the bookshelf for now. But all this other stuff? I’ll give it to the Salvation Army. (And there’s still so much left over.)I know who I am, though. Know who I am well enough to NOT bang myself against a wall simply because if I physically deform myself because I can’t sleep, well then I’m a fucking rag idiot. It’s not my house I need to get away from either. What do I come from? I come from a former actor/stand-up comedian and a headstrong, hardworking artist. And the light from the 6am window reflects on my belly dancing costume casting what look like gold sparkles on my ceiling. That’s pretty, though, isn’t it?
But everything other than the sparkles on my ceiling is why I’d like to see a movie where a baby gets shot. Not SEE it get shot, just hear the noise then the abrupt stopping of… Noise. JUST TO SEE if I’ll feel anything. Just to see. I probably would – just do a damn good job at hiding it. This anger is self-made. Look! Like a rags-to-riches business man, self-made, except this isn’t success. This is tar. And I made it all by myself! I hear “I love you” while people leave the house and I think Fuck you. Not to the person, just to the I love you. “You need to trust yourself more.” Things I say to other people and then when I hear it said to me, it makes sense for five minutes til I get up and think, Naw’m good. Show me ONE person who’s gotten it right and I’ll be all ears. If it’s gonna be like this forever (which is TOTALLY fine!) but I’m curious, ya know? If it’s gonna be like this forever, then well, I wanna score fucking big. No, that’s a horrible way to think. No it’s not, sometimes. (Part where I speak like a crazy.) I want a tall one! I want a giant one! (House) I want materials. All those years of knowing I didn’t care about materials and said I had faith in things (HAH! Faith) well, I was being a total fruit. <- I said Fruit; this is a TNT version of Goodfellas. (Crazy keeps on talking) I’m gonna start having bad, generic “Big Love” goals, now. Bad, predictable goals. Ohh and SHALLOW. I’m gonna be so SHALLOW and reapply all that lipstick over and over. I’m gonna drink for the sake of drinking (more) and say things like “WASTED!” and “Ohh Such is life” while smoking a cigarette when someone says something remotely serious and make ‘em feel (this big.)I did a cool thing on Friday but talking about it after this monster is just diary candy or prostitution. The art of making things appear to be ok. Ya know, how you talk about new things you bought, or new people (that you fancy), or recipes or new movies. Just to ya know, fill the air. Remind people you’re alive. (That’s not “alive” though.) But it’s like you go and do something cool then equilibrium comes in and reminds you when the next train comes and that, yes, you’re still just THIS. You will always be this. Even your BODY’S not fooled by it. Or the garbage bags filled with things you have no use for. Fool me, Weather. Be bright and sunny like you were an hour ago. STOP STATING THE FUCKING OBVIOUS. I’m not gonna be one of THOSE and blame this on March. I’m blaming this on “Suck” and Me.

*People who speak in this tone/with this attitude repeatedly should be punished severely. Like, I SEE the unhealthiness. I see it.

(Raise hand) In the case with people who need to trust themselves before they can get further ahead with anything else: How would one suggest to, um, start doing that? Without the stupid love yourself/have more confidence crap. Cause no one has confidence – only a bunch of blazers (I have 2). Like, what do you… DO? Go on walks (MORE WALKS?) Eat a… eat a nice… wholesome, whole wheat turkey wrap? Eh? That’s not funny. Watch a mewwwvie? (Draw ) Read. Reading’s good. Funny cause I went back to blockbuster mode on my way back to library, and had a quick “Did I remember to rewind” moment. It made me laugh ’cause you can’t rewind books.


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