Archive for April, 2009

From the heart (…Goddamnit!)

Posted in anxiety, girls, random on April 29, 2009 by Anoush

I was killing time, right? After class-but-before-drinking and I stood there in Penn Books. Next to Perfumania. Looking through shelves of what I (maybe) should be reading when I saw them. The Little Miss / Mr. books on a lazy susan spinny thing. and “HAHA!” I tell myself. HAHA in the sense that… LOOK! Your childhood. The part you liked! I stood there and read each tiny, square book. Mr. Messy still pissed me off; Mr. Funny was still charming; and Mr. Mischeivous was always more fun in theory. (And you know what? I sympathize with Mr. Forgetful.) I know people who resemble these guys, old, young, and WHOA WHOA WHOA you guys… your stories are here – here in Penn Books. I’m not Little Miss Sunshine, but I KNOW her. And I’m not Little Miss Busy (At least in the way that THAT book defined busy). And I wasn’t Little Miss Bossy (I wasn’t.) Then I saw it. And hesitated before picking it up, like as in… I… I… can we stop, now? I don’t think I’m ready for… for… Like Scrooge on his 3rd ghost. She was a round, blue-face. Round, blue held up by skinny blue ankles and trembling hands over her mouth. If illustrations could move (sometimes they can) she’d be trembling.

“Little Miss Shy didn’t leave the house.”
“Little Miss Shy grew her own food in her garden.”
“One day she receives an invitation to Mr. Funny’s Party and keeps changing her mind about whether or not to go.”
“Then Mr. Funny arrives and drags her to the party and she has fun. And meets Mr. Quiet.” (Yes. This is the story.)
(*The “never leaving the house” one though may not pertain to me, unless it’s figurative.)

“Madame Timide” in France
“Dona Timida” in Spain
“Unsere Susi Schuchtern” in Germany

I’m afraid of what might be self indulgence, the gross undeserved kind. Afraid of plaque and sentimentality and bravado that turns into green puss oozing through my pores, turning my skin green and cold forever.

I’d talk out loud to people about the moment in Penn Books next to Perfumania, but I think it’s more of a me-thing. Something needs to change. Although, I dunno, I’m really into the Madame Timide thing.



Posted in anxiety, Happiness, random on April 28, 2009 by Anoush

“Wouldn’t it be so much better if we were dudes?” should i have said yes? No. I didn’t disagree, I didn’t agree. I said “Sometimes.” (But isn’t everything better… sometimes?) I mean, it would be easier at first. I like my brain, but hate my upperbody strength. So If I could be THIS headstrong AND be able to lift things without having to load it onto a wheely thing first, then I’d be set. Oh, if I could also not be afraid of appearing vulnerable, that could work, too. I think I’m over the whole ‘being a man’ thing. You guys are funny though. Guys are funny sometimes and sometimes I just want to laugh. WITH you, not AT. Once in a while, though, once in a while, though I’ll challenge you to emptiness. Like, you think YOU can be empty? You don’t even KNOW empty. WATCH. Then I start believing it. “Hey, you (you, meaning me) You were Being Empty A LOT back there. You might wanna tone it down cause you’re really starting to… flake away.” The warm weather’s doing something awesome lately though. I have now-hot fingertips. It’s like i got these new, warm hands and I haven’t the slightest idea what to do with them, especially when I walk. Like, where do I put ’em? I’m so used to pocket-stuffing, holding onto warm change and whatever else is in those…pockets. Now I kinda just… glide. Feels beautiful. All this “pleasant” And i have NO idea what to do with all of it. And I’ll channel that, I promise. It’s definitely the weather. If we were in the middle of winter, and I were writing this, I would already be saying FUCK or FAGGOT. But I’m not. This is good. Relaxing is a good thing. (When one does it in his/her own time. I hate the word, though. It’s used too much as a command.) I drove home yesterday and I didn’t need music. I wasn’t thirsty – didn’t want/need ANYTHING. The warmth makes THAT much of a difference. Energy. I might have to not be here in the winter. I consider living in LA within the next 2 years or year and a half. It’s an idea. It’s an energy. Respect it. I don’t have to act on it yet, but let the idea be an idea.

New theory

Posted in Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 by Anoush

When conversing, I think it’s important to at some point, address the person by name. People who aren’t afraid of doing this have – at least – my attention. It’s an easy, quick way to figure out who’s worth it and who’s not. In all senses. Right up front, you know who to listen to (or get entertained by a little) and who to let fuck off.

Updates that sound better in my head.

Posted in anxiety, random on April 28, 2009 by Anoush

– Runs up and down supermarket aisles and speedshops and saves the world.
– Quotes Chris Tucker with her brother. (Well Chris Tucker’s the gateway quotee)
– Hasn’t felt cold in a long time.
– Has become tolerant.
– Saw a small spider build an intricate web and didn’t kill it.
– Might have a good heart.
– Is an occasiona English AP tutor.
– Can accept a compliment
– Initiates more.
– Has some pretty good ideas, you know?
– Throws herself in.
– Can take it or leave it, really.
– Surrounds herself with brilliant women.
– Has become more fluent in Asshole and Bastard.

Overdoing it.

Posted in girls, movies, random on April 22, 2009 by Anoush

Ok, so the reason I’m doing this is because I hate the word, “Bitch.” Hate it because I LOVE it. It’s a great word but its overuse makes me hate it. It’s become so second-nature to everyone that it’s losing its… flair, pow, bam, you know?
“Oooh Nice dress!”
“H&M bitches!”
(Ehhhh…. cringe… not worth it.)

Here’s an example of POW/BAM (the good kind):
“Wow you get to leave in a half hour.”
“Yeah… I was here since 10.”
“Cause you’re a bitch!”
(See? So much better!)

What I’ve done as an exercise is taken a bunch of TV show (and some movie) titles and substituted BITCH for certain words. Kind of like, when something makes you uncomfortable, throw yourself in it and see what happens! Ok, Here we go!

Saturday Night BITCH
How to Marry a BITCH
BITCH you think you got talent
Saved by the BITCH
The Barefoot BITCH
Martha Stewart BITCHING
Step BITCH Step
BITCH Prince of Bel Air
A BITCH of Their Own
Never BITCH Kissed
BITCH Like it Hot
Deuce Bigelow Male BITCH
The BITCHlot
The BITCHheads
BITCHES (Beaches)
Isn’t She BITCH?
BITCHED (Scrooged)
The Sixth BITCH
Riding In Cars with BITCHES
Fried Green BITCHES
Mystic BITCH
The BITCH Who wasn’t there
BITCH (Psycho)
The BITCHcrashers
Keeping up with the BITCHians
Whose BITCH is it Anyway?
BITCH At Nite (tv channel)
Family BITCH
American BITCH
Waiting for BITCH
BITCH Bill Vol. 1
BITCH Bill Vol. 2
Sanford and BITCH
Ordinary BITCHES
How the BITCH stole Christmas
About a BITCH
Ferris Beuller’s Day BITCH
Pee Wee’s BITCH Adventure
Notting BITCH
28 BITCHES Later
Grumpier old BITCHES
Wayne’s BITCH
Sister BITCH II: Back in the habit
The Breakfast BITCH

(I think it’s working.)


Posted in anxiety, random on April 21, 2009 by Anoush

I deleted a bunch of bad-egg facebook notes. My jeans fit better now.

I wanted to see what the Sex and the City movie was like – horrible things but the clothes were too pretty to look away. I think I may have developed some kind of rash, though.

Every once in a while I have the feeling of falling down on my knees and vomiting out an I’m sorry. To who? I don’t know. But when this feeling is gone i almost forget about gravity.

I’m already upset that I can’t find a weekend 301 Improv class to throw myself into after this one. The last time I finished a class, I became very negative.

“If britney spears were a guy, I’d beat her.” (Not me but someone related to me. I don’t hate Britney Spears though. Seems like I should, right? i don’t. I don’t hate Lindsay Lohan either. don’t LOVE ‘EM but dont hate ’em.)

I was at the hair dresser’s and i saw all these ladies with crazy aluminum foil messes on their heads – I was one of them. Reminded me of how messy something has to become before it has that “voila” look. Like a nose job. Or a play.

I’m getting the fuck out of here tomorrow night.

I might be falling apart or getting stronger. It might be the latter.

I dont hate “LOUD MAN” anymore. Loud Man talks LOUDLY and laughs LOUDLY and laughs at what people say TOO LOUDLY and TOO SOON for the laugh to register. I used to want to sit next to him and say things like ‘Rape” or “genocide” or “mass murder” with my expressionless face and have him say, “What?” and me say “I dunno, i’m just saying things to get you to stop laughing so loudly.” But I don’t think like that anymore. It’s not really kind and you know what? He’s a nice person.

“Let’s see how Miss No-Initiative deals with THIS.”
Response to “Ohhh, see? I don’t take initiative. Ever. Sometimes.”

No Dice by Beirut is a good song. My brain does sit ups to it.

“Do you draw faces?” Said the high or crazy man who looked like Napoleon at the coffee shop in Chelsea.
“Do you have trouble drawing the eyes?”
“No.” (I don’t realize he might be crazy or high yet.)
“Here’s whatcha do. You draw a dot right in the middle and then fill it in while your eyes are closed.”
“Ok. thanks.”
He does a clap and rubs his hands together “Sarsparilla!”
My friend sits down.
“John was it? John? This is my friend.”
“My name is John-John. When I sign my name, I have all these J’s. Your signature’s a… you just put your pen to paper and whatever comes out comes out.”
“What do you think? What do you think about signatures? Can you do me a favor and tell me if it’s morning or evening?”

“That’s Good Advice” — Jimmy Dugan

Posted in anxiety, random on April 20, 2009 by Anoush

I came up with this way to alleviate/ameliorate any kind of mind numbing anxiety. It’s better than anything I’ve heard from a professional and should be embroidered onto a pillow then torn apart because I hate pillows with embroidery. Ok. Here it is: You have your problem, Your worry, whatever makes the back of your neck get how it gets and add three days to it. If you can’t imagine your worry as being resolved or becoming “yesterday’s news” by THEN? Then, it’s not worth it. YOUR WORRY + THREE DAYS. It works for stupid comments, drunk comments, being sincere (drunk), being sincere sober, stupid voicemail messages, stupid texts, jokes that don’t do well.

*Mainly for those with complicated brains. NOT something I’d recommend for those who are late on car payments or any payments, law breakers, and anything whose consequences last more than three days.