From the heart (…Goddamnit!)

I was killing time, right? After class-but-before-drinking and I stood there in Penn Books. Next to Perfumania. Looking through shelves of what I (maybe) should be reading when I saw them. The Little Miss / Mr. books on a lazy susan spinny thing. and “HAHA!” I tell myself. HAHA in the sense that… LOOK! Your childhood. The part you liked! I stood there and read each tiny, square book. Mr. Messy still pissed me off; Mr. Funny was still charming; and Mr. Mischeivous was always more fun in theory. (And you know what? I sympathize with Mr. Forgetful.) I know people who resemble these guys, old, young, and WHOA WHOA WHOA you guys… your stories are here – here in Penn Books. I’m not Little Miss Sunshine, but I KNOW her. And I’m not Little Miss Busy (At least in the way that THAT book defined busy). And I wasn’t Little Miss Bossy (I wasn’t.) Then I saw it. And hesitated before picking it up, like as in… I… I… can we stop, now? I don’t think I’m ready for… for… Like Scrooge on his 3rd ghost. She was a round, blue-face. Round, blue held up by skinny blue ankles and trembling hands over her mouth. If illustrations could move (sometimes they can) she’d be trembling.

“Little Miss Shy didn’t leave the house.”
“Little Miss Shy grew her own food in her garden.”
“One day she receives an invitation to Mr. Funny’s Party and keeps changing her mind about whether or not to go.”
“Then Mr. Funny arrives and drags her to the party and she has fun. And meets Mr. Quiet.” (Yes. This is the story.)
(*The “never leaving the house” one though may not pertain to me, unless it’s figurative.)

“Madame Timide” in France
“Dona Timida” in Spain
“Unsere Susi Schuchtern” in Germany

I’m afraid of what might be self indulgence, the gross undeserved kind. Afraid of plaque and sentimentality and bravado that turns into green puss oozing through my pores, turning my skin green and cold forever.

I’d talk out loud to people about the moment in Penn Books next to Perfumania, but I think it’s more of a me-thing. Something needs to change. Although, I dunno, I’m really into the Madame Timide thing.

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