Archive for April, 2009

I mean, I should post images or funny video links to show people what interests ME. You know? I like THIS and I like THAT. I don’t know, meanwhile I’ll just be honest about things that occur to me.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on April 16, 2009 by Anoush

It’s being online when you don’t have to be or having the TV on when you’re not really watching. Luxury, but not really. Hypnosis, but not really. I was in AP biology in 10th grade and my teacher would say, “Boy you got a real heart fetish, huh?” But my hearts were elaborate. Fuzzy, had pins stuck in ’em, polka dots, plaid, jigsaw puzzles, had things dripping from ‘em. Checkerboard, but pop-up-in-yer-face checkerboard. All bordering some kind of dictation on the Endocrine system or something like that, I wasn’t really paying attention. I don’t have anything else I want to draw. Part of it make me really happy covering an entire sheet of paper with nothingness that might ACTUALLY be an image coming out at you if you stare at it long enough (But it isn’t, really.)

Here’s why I hate my drawings. They frighten me. Always associated with killing time, or curbing things like hunger, need or connection. A chance to be mesmerized without being mesmerized. And I’m NOT mesmerized. My shoulders are still stiff, I’m still thinking about stuff, and there’s no feeling of ‘Look what I made!” More like, “Uh I guess I’ll throw this away now.” Dull pains that don’t really hurt but aren’t too comfortable either. I used to steal bunches of Xerox paper from copy machines and speed walk away from the scene of the crime <-no one cared. The math lab would have this newsprint paper they’d give out for scrap work. I’d take BUNCHES of it and draw. The way the pen felt on that paper – really very nice and good. This isn’t talent – it’s nothing. I stopped drawing actual faces back in elementary school, no actually in later-junior-high. The teacher would hand out packets with interesting fonts or borders or headings and I’d fill ‘em all in with rigid lines and checkerboard stuff and all other kinds of designs that seemed whimsical at the time. The clock just took too long to mature to the next hour which was FINE BY ME. I got me this little art project here.

I like faces. I had this T-shirt with Shel Silverstein/Roald Dahl-ish faces all drawn onto it. A t-shirt of probably 500 faces (creepy but my favorite shirt. Not an attractive shirt, just ANYWAY.) I could do stuff like that. But I’ve been there, you know? I’ve tried something new and have it be the SAME EXACT THING I’ve been doing, but just a different design. Two-dimensional stuff that just sits back, gripping all that anger, hunger, need, whatever reaction or nonreaction I had to things happening around me. Kinda like ghosts. Smirking ghosts. I choose to not be here right now. The conversations got better and I drew less but it came back when my authorities said, “I’m paying’ for you to go to that college! Don’t just draw it all away!” So that made me want to draw more. And I did. And when it comes back NOW? When I see those designs get drawn NOW? It just makes me angry. Those things make me sad. They make me starving. A timewaster that’s meant to relieve…uh… something but never really does. Like Novocain that knocks you out but keeps you very awake at the same time. Roald Dahl’s drawings fly. They’re not so “cement.” Ponder this.

What it DID do was give me something to concentrate on while listening to people’s speech patterns and I guess I learned some kind of rhythm? Like dialogue or something. Maybe. Let’s just say Yes. Makes it sound better.

But when I do it, I feel guilty. Embarrassed, too. I shouldn’t be doing this because
A. It’s not allowed.
B. it’s disrespectful to the people/things/the world around me which MIGHT want me present for.
C. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s a fake drawing. This is wallpaper. This isn’t art. I just don’t really want to draw people.


Short Term Goals

Posted in Happiness on April 16, 2009 by Anoush

A bunch of things that could happen.

– Dance on the counter to loud dance music at the pizzeria with everyone (drunk.) Doesn’t have to be the counter.
– Tango or Cha-cha with someone at a party, and be good. (It’s been done, but I’d like to be in a better state of mind.)
– Draw people better. Draw-draw. Maybe start a comic.
– Start an improv group. (After a 301 maybe when i’m less fledgling (fledgeling?))
– Not worry if i’m slighting people.
– Not run from things too quickly
– Write a screenplay. Feature or long-ish short.
– Do a 2nd draft of this play. (Give a better ending.)
– Trust (more) people more. (Nah…)
– Be less apologetic. I’ve cut back, but I can still hack away.
– Work in the city in the next year or year and a half.
– Have a play reading.
– Not be so angry. I’ve cut back but I can still hack away.
– Make other people happy or realize how good they are. (…in the very cool, cool, cool way.)

Fantasy short term goals
– Still, dancing to dance music on the counter at the pizzeria, drunk.
– Being dressed up incredibly by fashion people and having nice-nice photos taken.
– Being given a black sharpie in a totally white room by someone who says, “Here, go crazy.”

When I least expected

Posted in random on April 14, 2009 by Anoush

-Hey how are ya?
-I know what you’re thinking.
-Heh, what?
-I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?”
-Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question:
-Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

-C’mon throw one back at me.
-I… I like ’em teeny and toasty.
-Benjamin is no one’s friend.
-You’re tellin ME.

Pink, Green, and Fucking Baby Blue

Posted in random with tags , , on April 14, 2009 by Anoush

My favorite part about this Sunday (Only favorite part) was when my cousin did a “c’mere” gesture with her head. Well more of a “meet me in there in two minutes” kinda thing. Children running around eating chocolate screaming, banging on glass table tops with the wrong people doting on them and finding it all too cute. I may have said (I don’t remember for sure) “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to shoot you.” (Ha-ha just kidding! you’re cute yes you are!)

I gave my little girl cousins (Different from above) dresses that I’m ‘letting go” – sheer black dresses and they loved ’em. They weren’t the ones banging on glass table tops. I was looking forward to watching them open the bag and mouthed “I’m sorry” to my aunt. But they NEED it you know? A little dress-up in the house never hurt anyone. Morning; cereal; cartoon; leopard dress.

Speaking of leopard dresses my cousin room (different from above) has leopard everything. Wallpaper, lamp, carpet, blanket, dresser with perfumes and high heels on the floor. When I was born she was in high school and had purple hair. I noticed she and I were dressed alike. My highlights have gone platinum and black everything else. She was all black too, just coming back from outside where she was yelling a lot of Motherfucker on the phone and I found out the “c’mere” gesture from before was not an invitation to talk about me (And thank god!) Cause I was fine. Tired, cold, but mostly cause of a late train ride home. A night of funny positive energy candy that i’m gonna suck on for the next couple days if… if nobody minds… Everything else can shove it.

In the Leopard room, I listened. It’s what you do. I’m helping YOU without actually FIXING YOU <- That’s it. (I’m not a fan of the “I Told Ya So”‘s – the people not the phrase.) As she talked, I saw glimpses of non-leopard sides of my cousin while every so often being interrupted by women coming in following their little, important kids seeing if they left their chocolate cross in here somewhere. Or a pink purse. Purse. Pink. Pink.

The leopard room was where all the coats were so NATURALLY we’d be interrupted, you know, with an occasional “Did i leave my chocolate cross in here?” (THERE’S CHOCOLATE CANDY ALLOVER THIS HOUSE – IN *MANY* SHAPES AND SIZES. EAT A CHOCOLATE EGG – IT’LL TASTE EXACTLY THE SAME AS A CROSS – TRUST ME. TRUSSST ME.) (AND? My cousin’s talking in a way I’ve never heard before. Talking talking talking. Eye contact. Crazy eye contact. And I’m holding onto it. Hiding from the kid-crying, food-and-church-Armenian-about-talking; The that’s-too-big-a-piece-for-me, what’re-you-up-to-now deep-dish kinda pink noise found everywhere else.)

If nobody minds, we’re gonna do the real kinda talking here. (And that pink purse you were looking for, well, I ate it.)

Warm Things

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2009 by Anoush

Showtunes are blasting out of one of the offices here and I like it a lot. I don’t even LIKE showtunes that much but you need some kind of break from everything else, you know?
I overheard a discussion on I Love Lucy and/or heard it mentioned and I could’ve helped gear the discussion more in the Lucy direction but it changed quickly. And also I’m on the other side of the cubicle wall. I caught the tail end of it and thought of the freezer episode and giggling. And Bill Holden. Showtunes are warm, you know? Big and warm and gay. And those things keep you warm.

Also, Your telepathic and intuitive abilities are at an all-time high today. No, I mean MY telepathic and intuitive abilities are at an all-time high today. THAT’S what I meant. No more of these pond-scum thoughts alright? They’re not good for you. Me, I mean. They’re not good for me.

“Are you enjoying the…”
“It’s actually kinda pleasant.”
“Yeah. You’re right. Pleasant.”

It was on TV the other night

Posted in arguments, movies, Uncategorized with tags , , on April 11, 2009 by Anoush

An argument I should’ve had 10+ years ago, but I’m having it now.

There’s something about Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet that rubs me the funny way. Here’s what I liked from it: Clare Danes (and every face expression she makes, Mercutio, Tybalt, the nurse and… that’s it. I will always have a fascination with Capulets in general, in whichever version. But

Sometimes when a classical piece is interpreted a certain new, i’m-gonna-say “Far out” way, I develop weirded-out goosebumps. I’m not frightened by change and new things – that’s not it. I just didn’t find it modern. Was it trying to be modern or was it just trying to be another kooky reality? Felt the same way when I watched Ethan Hawke as Hamlet sitting at a laundromat. Is this cool? Or is this Weeeeeird? I DON’T KNOW!

How I relate to this play:
I always felt Juliet was better off with Mercutio
I always liked Tybalt (too much)
I had difficulty seeing Romeo as a love interest
I always loved Mercutio (And kind of wanted to be him.)

Is it COOL? or is it weird? Do so many girls claim to love this version because they love Shakespeare or the “Leo thing?” Would the movie still be so well-liked if Montague and Capulet were played by Carl Winslow and Patrick Duffy? (actually maybe) But Shakespeare is dark and cold and goosebumpy and funny, so maybe this was trying to be THAT in its own way. Or another instance of me afraid to like something so many other people like. OR me being afraid to say I DON’T like something. Some parts I fall head over heels for and other parts I just roll my eyes. I had an English teacher who passionately banged the top of her desk saying, “The guy was a GENIUS.” and I believed her (cause he is/was.) Plus she slammed the table when she said it which I will always love and will remember. And not “he was a genius” in the way that artists describe their idles. “OMG so-and-so is a genius.” <- your artist isn’t a GENIUS. Your artist is GOOD. He’s just very crazy and awesome, but he’s not a genius. Shakespeare, though? IS a genius. (slam!) He knew exactly what he was doing. And dirty – he was so dirty! When I think of Shakespeare I think of all kinds of dirt under fingernails and greasy hair and a bunch of “I don’t have time for you right now, woman. Fetch me a quill.” I think of not-always-great-writing that turns into Great writing. (Can’t explain that.) And there were other writers back then just as good as him, but he kind of…won.

If he were around to see all these adaptations, he might react in these five possible ways:
– Gee, guys I had no idea you liked me this much
-Damn RIGHT you’re still doing my stuff. YOU heard her English teacher – I’m a genius!
-This is weirding me out, guys.
-Ooooh I LIKE her… (a la Steve Buscemi/Wedding Singer in regards to Clare Danes.)
-Who’s that dynamic boy with the smokey voice (I get the sense he can do a lot of different voices) who seems overdramatic but probably only because the part of Tybalt calls for it? I feel like I could watch him for HOURS and hours doing some solo performance piece in some black box theater downtown. (Me too, Shakespeare. His name is John and he’s a Leguizamo. And he’s my genius.)


Posted in Uncategorized on April 8, 2009 by Anoush

Proud to be one half of this:

“I don’t know what you’re talking about – I have a GREAT neck…”
“Call me crazy? But I could go for a little NECK right now.”