Here, read this.

A man speaks:

“I don’t believe in witches – I never did and worrying about ‘em’s just a waste of time. And for the record, I rarely use words like, “Enchanted.” NOTHING’S enchanted – good and evil don’t exist. Jealousy does. I mean, every once in a while you’ll run into someone who wants your heart on a plate (or in a box) but for the most part, people just wanna be left alone. Here’s the thing – she’s WEIRD, ok? And it freaks me out. Also, speaking to animals as if they’re human is the dumbest thing in the world. That’s why when we found her passed out upstairs, I knew she’d be nothing but trouble.

She’s pretty, I guess, if you like ‘em pale like that. Her hair’s FAKE-DARK, though – no one’s THAT much of a brunette and when I heard her talk for the first time with that squeaky voice, I knew this was gonna be tons of fun. The other guys are into her, all friggin’ gaga, here, but not me. She cleaned the whole downstairs – why, I don’t know – and now I can’t find my special coffee mug. This isn’t her house and she’s not helping.

She’s way into us washing our hands and using flavored soaps and stuff. I never asked for this meal. I don’t eat more than four kinds of foods, anyway, but she goes and makes some five-course parade . (No one should trust five courses of ANYTHING.) Anyway, I’m not complaining. I won’t complain – I’ll just say she’s definitely one card short of a deck. But I won’t say that ’cause THAT’S RUDE.

And then she’ll do that baby voice. I don’t know if ya noticed, but I’m not a goddamn retard. She touches my face like I’m a child and sometimes? I kinda wanna hit her. My work day is WAY too long to come home to friggin’ Sunday school or Finishing School, or whatever you wanna call it. I wonder what her story is. No one voluntarily moves into a house full of men without a story.

I have a brother who doesn’t talk – never has. It’s weird. He’s accidentally eaten soap once and burped a whole bunch of bubbles and we let him think he’s magical. I have other brothers, too. They don’t say anything interesting, ever, but at least they talk. My oldest brother’s really smart, though. And, how-do-I-say-this-without-sounding-weird, he’s really delicate. Like, he always does the right thing and knows how to act properly in certain situations. But rest of ‘em make noise and complain about allergies.

I’m not going back in there. Maybe no one will notice. I’m just gonna stay here and run my hands under the water. Workday’s gotten to me.

I think I smell pie.”


* This is the first I’d-say-15 minutes of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” as told by Grumpy.


2 Responses to “Monologue”

  1. Gunk-a-Hayr Says:

    Excellent! I had no idea until the end, and it was definitely kinda creepy. Keep it up!

  2. GRUMPY. YES. This should be in a book somewhere.

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