Sorry I’m late. I was having an argument with my daughter who just recently got a tattoo on the side of her head. I sat there cramming waffles into my mouth – I ate maybe 10 while she went on and on about how everyone else is doing it. I HATE THIS PLACE SOMETIMES. My wife sat there and poured her some tang. Both of them like it here more than back home – I think it’s a women thing. They feel freer and more confident or something – I don’t know, maybe it’s something in the air. After that, I had to drive her and her friends from school to the mall and the car broke down and took forever to get fixed. The mechanic was an idiot. I put my face right into his, up close and demanded an explanation for why something so simple had to take so long. He mispronounced my name, my last name. I’m very stressed on a daily basis because I’m living under a false identity – I’m not really supposed to be here. Well, in other words I can’t be here legally because if they find out where I’m from, I’m truly in deep shit.
Archive for January, 2010
What’s Scar’s beef with the song “It’s a Small World?” (Other than the fact that it’s annoying? ‘Cause there are other songs that could’ve hit home harder for the situation they were in.)
You know that dream where you show up to school naked and you spend the rest of the day playing it off like What, you don’t show up places naked? That’s how I felt today. Just not naked. If you haven’t had that dream, then, I can’t help ya.
I’ve learned that forcing creativity (or figuring out how I fit in in this world) just results in my own asshole’ness and – I DUNNO – anxiety. So I’m just gonna share some things I’m prrrretty good at, as I feel that listing them will give me some peace of mind. Ok, here we go.
I’m pretty good at drawing.
I’m pretty good at NOT forcing Funny. Knowing when to say the funny thing and when to sheeet the feeeek up.
I’m pretty good at not giving a fuck.
I’m pretty good at not saying “Sorry, I’m awkward” and good at NOT getting frustrated with people who do.
I’m pretty good at not saying “I’m a nerd.” ‘Cause I’m NOT. I spoon with Planet of the Apes and The Twilight Zone, but I’m not a nerd. If anyhing i’m a
1. It’s a belief that in heaven, some oils will be greeted by 77 extra virgins.
2. PEPPER: Objection!
COFFEE: Oh what grounds?
3. What did the prune say to the bowl of fruit?
-I’m just a regular people-person.
4. What did the supportive, but suicidal fridge say to the other appliances?
-Remember, my door’s always open.
5. Banana Hammocks worldwide are celebrating their newly found confidence.
-They all carry a pear now.
6. What did the microwave say to the spice rack?
-It’s not like I have all the thyme in the world.
7. What did the chauvinist butterstick say to the pancakes?
8. What did the mixing bowl say to the pancakes?
9. What does pancakes’ boyfriend wear to sleep?
-A pair of boxes and an eggbeater.
10. Why so bleu, Cheese?
11. What’s Grandma Milk’s first name?
12. What did the granola say to the craisin?
-Come to this bar often? (HAHA!)
13. What did the raisin say to the granola?
-I’ve been around much longer than you have.
14. What’s breakfast’s favorite passtime sport?
15. What are pot evots?
-“Stove top” backwards.
16. What’s better than a self-cleaning oven?
-A walkin’ freezer.
17. Sporks have both.
18. What’s shish kebab’s favorite cocktail?
-Skewers with a twist.
19. Bananas also have a cheer where they scream:
“C-H-E-E-R-L-E-A-D-E-R-S!” They don’t understand why, either.
20. Why don’t they serve oatmeal to soldiers?
-They’re still against beige in the military.