Loving Beldar

Sorry I’m late. I was having an argument with my daughter who just recently got a tattoo on the side of her head. I sat there cramming waffles into my mouth – I ate maybe 10 while she went on and on about how everyone else is doing it. I HATE THIS PLACE SOMETIMES. My wife sat there and poured her some tang. Both of them like it here more than back home – I think it’s a women thing. They feel freer and more confident or something – I don’t know, maybe it’s something in the air. After that, I had to drive her and her friends from school to the mall and the car broke down and took forever to get fixed. The mechanic was an idiot. I put my face right into his, up close and demanded an explanation for why something so simple had to take so long. He mispronounced my name, my last name. I’m very stressed on a daily basis because I’m living under a false identity – I’m not really supposed to be here. Well, in other words I can’t be here legally because if they find out where I’m from, I’m truly in deep shit.


I’ve become very taken by this place, though. The way people are free to just say whatever they want. I’ve become a really good golfer and have made friends with my neighbors and have barbecues and teach drivers’ ed on weekdays. But then I get a call from back home telling me that there’s an emergency and the three of us have to go back right away. Transportation will be provided and you wouldn’t believe this, but our ride came JUST as we were about to be busted by the IRS. Two of those guys managed to smuggle themselves all the way back with us and luckily they were tied up and put in bodies of water for the time being. Back home, my daughter saw a bit of her family history and what her mother and I grew up with before we moved here. I got in trouble, though, for having my teeth capped. In America, it’s totally fine to have your teeth capped, but where I’m from, it’s known as treason. SO, what I had to do was fight this giant – I wanna say – monster. Titan. A giant titan and I was 9/10 sure I wouldn’t make it out of there alive. My daughter and wife were sitting in the audience and I was sweating – yes there was an audience. You know what saved me, though, was my golfing. In a matter of seconds I created my own golf club and shot a rock into this titan’s throat and it fell to its side and died. I decided that I had enough of this place and requested to be able to return back here. They sent me back along with my wife and daughter and some condoms. My daughter made it back in time for her prom and I got to photograph her and her prom date, who happened to be the idiot mechanic who tried to fix my car earlier. Anyway, that’s why I’m late.

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