Archive for May, 2010
PEPPER. I think he and I need some time apart.
ANOUSH. GOOD. Couldn’t agree more.
ANOUSH. Fucking really. Enough is enough.
PEPPER. Yeah. I’m just worried about being a statistic.
ANOUSH. You forget how strong you are.
PEPPER. I guess.
ANOUSH. What’s the worst that could happen? He kills himself?
PEPPER. Well, he’s such an open wound already. Plus, people are gonna FREAK out.
ANOUSH. Fuck people.
PEPPER. I guess.
ANOUSH. No, seriously. Fuck ‘em.
PEPPER. I mean, he sucks the LIFE out of me. Sucks the life out of everyone!
ANOUSH. You can take the salt out of the sea but you can’t take Sea outta the salt.
PEPPER. I’ve heard that a million times.
ANOUSH. I’m sorry, I don’t think red is the right color.
TOMATO ASPIC. Get out!
ANOUSH. Wait a minute — Haven’t I seen you — ?
TOMATO ASPIC. Or shall I get my server!
ANOUSH. You’re Tomato Aspic. You were around in the 60s. You used to be big.
TOMATO ASPIC. I am big. It’s the dinners that got small.
ANOUSH. I knew there was something wrong with them.
ANOUSH. Don’t get sore at me. I’m not an executive. I’m just making conversation.
TOMATO ASPIC. You are! Talking words, words! You’ve made a rope of words and strangled this business!
ANOUSH. Ssh! You’re… jiggling.
TOMATO ASPIC. Get out!
ANOUSH. Next time I’ll bring my autograph album along, or maybe a large spoon.
TOMATO ASPIC. You’re a talker, you said.
TOMATO ASPIC. I want to chat with you about something. Come in here.
TOMATO ASPIC. How long is a dinner these days? I mean, how many courses?
ANOUSH. Depends on what it is – a quick bite or a sit-down.
TOMATO ASPIC. This is to be a very important dinner. I planned it myself. Took me years.
ANOUSH. And you’ll play the main course?
TOMATO ASPIC. What else?
ANOUSH. Only asking. I didn’t know you were planning a comeback.
TOMATO ASPIC. I hate that word. It is a RETURN. A return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for desserting them.
RAISIN. I’m getting old.
ANOUSH. Congratulations – you’re a whiner.
ANOUSH. I mean, personally? *I* don’t wanna sit here and listen to you bitch. And if you want to no longer have any friends whatsoever, please! Go on.
RAISIN. Guess you’re right.
ANOUSH. No, you do not GUESS I’m right – I just am. Lemme ask you a question: Did you enjoy the Grape phase?
RAISIN. Well, I guess I_
ANOUSH. Be honest, c’mon.
RAISIN. I… DID spend a lot of time feeling anxious.
ANOUSH. NO ONE enjoys the Grape phase. Ask anyone. Every Grape phase in existence has been a series of not-good-times.
RAISIN. I spent a lot of time wishing I was seedless like the cool grapes.
ANOUSH. And there it is.
RAISIN. I was never really part of a bunch.
ANOUSH. Awesome, so what I’m saying makes sense to you.
RAISIN. Sort of. Like, in Fruit Cocktail, I used to lie and tell everyone I was a cherry.
ANOUSH. That’s ok, everyone wanted to be a cherry.
RAISIN. And I could’ve been, if I wanted. I was definitely red enough.
ANOUSH. No you couldn’t’ve. ‘Cause you’re NOT one.
ANOUSH. It’s ok.
ANOUSH. Anyway, cherries dry up just like anything else ’cause that’s just what happens.
RAISIN. Can I be honest?
RAISIN. I’m actually kind of relieved I’m a raisin. Like, the things I want to do come to me a lot easier now that I’m more mature. Like, I can be more of a nut now without worrying so much about what I look like.
FORK. I don’t know, I’m really overworked.
ANOUSH. How so?
FORK. I’m constantly pushed around at work and I feel like no one picks up after themselves.
ANOUSH. Well there’s some truth in what you’re saying.
FORK. I’m getting assignments that aren’t even in my job description. And it gets embarrassing.
ANOUSH. Why embarrassing? Who’s watching?
FORK. THOSE two.
ANOUSH. Oh, them. You gotta get over it.
FORK. They just lay there while I’m standing on my head making magic happen.
ANOUSH. Do you ever think they just admire you for being so versatile?
FORK. No absolutely not. They’re pretentious Right-wing tools who don’t even get up unless they’re absolutely needed.
ANOUSH. Well, you’re not standing up for yourself.
FORK. Oh, so it’s my fault.
ANOUSH. No, stop putting words in my mouth.
FORK. Look, I know I’m lucky to be able to hold down a napkin during these hard times. But there’s gotta be a silver lining somewhere.