ANOUSH talks to FORK

FORK. I don’t know, I’m really overworked.

ANOUSH. How so?

FORK. I’m constantly pushed around at work and I feel like no one picks up after themselves.

ANOUSH. Well there’s some truth in what you’re saying.

FORK. I’m getting assignments that aren’t even in my job description. And it gets embarrassing.

ANOUSH. Why embarrassing? Who’s watching?

FORK. THOSE two.

ANOUSH. Oh, them. You gotta get over it.

FORK. They just lay there while I’m standing on my head making magic happen.

ANOUSH. Do you ever think they just admire you for being so versatile?

FORK. No absolutely not. They’re pretentious Right-wing tools who don’t even get up unless they’re absolutely needed.

ANOUSH. Well, you’re not standing up for yourself.

FORK. Oh, so it’s my fault.

ANOUSH. No, stop putting words in my mouth.

FORK. Look, I know I’m lucky to be able to hold down a napkin during these hard times. But there’s gotta be a silver lining somewhere.

ANOUSH. Well that’s what happens when you’re an over-achiever.

FORK. Thanks.

ANOUSH. You just gotta work on having a better self image.

FORK. Great. thanks. Extremely helpful.

ANOUSH. And speak up a little bit more. I can see it all in your posture.

FORK. Stop it.

ANOUSH All hunched over like that.

FORK. STOP IT.

ANOUSH. No.

FORK. YOU try starting a conversation with one of them. Especially him.

ANOUSH. Weird. I always thought you two got along.

FORK. Why, ‘cause we work together? He’s so condescending, too. Like, if your ideas don’t cut it, then forget it.

ANOUSH. Maybe he’s envious ‘cause you have a firm grip on things and are good at multitasking. Is he even serrated?

FORK. Hhhhh I don’t know – makes no difference. He’s never picked up a damn thing in his life and loves to watch me cater to him. And I mean, SHE’S the same way – ever have a conversation with a spoon?

ANOUSH. Can’t say I have.

FORK. Well first you should know – they never do anything outside their comfort zone and can never make a solid decision. The ballziest thing I’ve seen a spoon do is spread marmalade across melba toast and that’s just cause no one was around that day to help.

ANOUSH. You might be over generalizing_

FORK. Ok, ok, for example, PASTA, right? I work hard. I take my spinning very seriously and sometimes she just NEEDS to jump in and “help.” And it’s really not helpful at all.

ANOUSH. You feel that way about all spoons?

FORK. …Not Grapefruit ones.

::::No one says anything for 10 seconds:::::
FORK. What.

ANOUSH. Nothing.

FORK. WHAT!

ANOUSH. I know why you like “Grapefruit ones.”

FORK. Oh yeah? Why?

ANOUSH. ‘Cause they remind you of yourself a little bit?

FORK. Maybe. So what?

ANOUSH. You should go hang out with more Grapefruit spoons.

FORK. I’ll wait for the Dishwasher.

ANOUSH. See, there’s your problem.

FORK. I just don’t wanna embarrass myself.

ANOUSH. I don’t think it’s the job – I think it’s you.

FORK. Oh, this is so much fun to listen to. Please – more, more.

ANOUSH. You’re gonna turn into some washed up tooth pick.

FORK. Ever talk to a toothpick? They’re awesome.

ANOUSH. Oh yeah? Ever see one that lasted more than a day?

FORK. Look. I just have a lot going on in my head lately. I’m not sure who I am.

ANOUSH. Is there a chance you’re a dessert fork?

FORK. If I were a dessert fork, I think I’d know by now. And no, I’m not.

ANOUSH. My point is that there’s always gonna be some tool who tells you how to do your job, but it’s mostly their problem not yours. Don’t let yourself get pushed around too much – you’ll end up in the microwave.

FORK. That’s the last thing I want. I hear stories where they come back a little… off.

ANOUSH. Well you’re GONNA be totally off if you don’t make a change. There’s a quote that says “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

FORK. Yeah, I saw that on the fridge.

ANOUSH. Well?

FORK. Yeah.

ANOUSH. So. If you could do one thing that’s out of your comfort zone today, what would it be?

FORK. I guess… I could tell him he could help out more with the English Muffins. ‘Cause it’s getting ridiculous.

ANOUSH. That’s a step. What else?

FORK. I guess… meet that Grapefruit spoon one day for Breakfast? Maybe invite her to dinner?

ANOUSH. Good move.

FORK. Just tell me if I have anything in my teeth.

ANOUSH. You don’t.

FORK. Awesome.

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