Archive for the arguments Category

Some *REAL* entertainment

Posted in arguments with tags on March 27, 2011 by Anoush

I rode a lot of trains this weekend and in my waitings around or needings to not hear loud LIRRers (and to entertain myself) I bought some Mad Libs. What I ended up doing was filling out page after page and came up with some really amusing stories. And I’m here to share them. So, grab a Nilla cookie, sit on the carpet, and have a listen. (It’s Dance Mania Mad Libs.)

1. I DREAM OF DANCING

You’ve always dreamed of growing up to ba an ITALIAN professional dancer, with audiences giving you ACCENTUATING ovations and showering the stage with CURLING IRONS which DRUNK dancing career will you choose?

– A prima HIGH HEEL for a BONEY ballet company. You’ll leap, twirl and BONE across the stage in a SEXY tutu.

– A famous BRA-ette who dances at V-NECK City Music Hall. Your BEARDED high kicks will be known throughout the PIZZERIA!

– A competitive ballroom NECKTIE. You’ll glide along wearing a floor-length FATHER whil your partner carries a long-stemmed FISH in his mouth.

2. HEY THERE, COVER GIRL

Greetings, STARBUCKSWOMEN.com fans! Today I’m going to blog about my photo shoot for CRUSTY Girl magazine. When I got to the HOT set, they immediately sent me to wardrobe, where the stylist outfitted me in a HYENA print dress, a pair of high-heeled BUTTS and gorgeous HYDRANGIA shaped earrings. Next, the hairdresser put hot JEGGINGS in my hair to make it look full and LATE. The makeup artist then put blush on my TAILBONE and chose an UNDERAGE lipstick to bring out the color of my RETINAS. I felt prettier than a GLASS as I posed PLAIDLY for the photographer. At the end of the shoot, they told me I had done a really QUEAZY job – and that I’d definitely be on the cover of the 80s magazine. So, DEAD OR ALIVE fans, keep your BACK BONE peeled for my DONG-CRAZY face at a newsstand near you!

Thanks for stopping by!

-Anoush & Monster

Fakkkkk you.

Posted in arguments, random on November 27, 2009 by Anoush

The folks who made these cookies got beaten up a lot in high school and never learned.

Waning Lingo

Posted in arguments on November 12, 2009 by Anoush

Here is a list of expressions/words/lingo that has/is slowly waning from our current mode of speak. I’m happy that these things are on their way out and would probably be ecstatic when they’re gone forever. Ok, here we go.

1. “Awkwardddd” – Overdone. Overused. And nine times out of ten, ::whisper:: it’s not awkward. Congratulations – You’ve made this word a dirty whore that no one wants anymore.

2. “That’s so random!” – I hate teenagers.

3. “Don’t judge me.” said after anything even slightly nerdy.

4. “You’re wasting my time.” – Actually, I think this one’s gone. I haven’t heard THIS in months, years even. Nice work, folks!

5. Writing to things that have pissed you off in letter-form. Ex:
“Dear THING THAT’S CAUSED ME SLIGHT INCONVENIENCE,
Please stop doing that. K, Thanks, Love HILARIOUS PERSON.”

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Smart

Posted in anxiety, arguments, random with tags on September 26, 2009 by Anoush

The issue of Smart has come up a lot in conversation lately – whether I’m participating or just eavesdropping. What’s happening out there is that the smarties talk about what they know and exhale higher learning onto listeners/hearers who either join in on all the unprotected referencing OR! get wildly intimidated. Both scenarios – shall we say – blow.

I think I was misinformed about how to act when I’m among the learnED. Usually what I do is acknowledge their shrewdness, listen and *if* I find it interesting, well then, awesome. If not, then…then that’s the end of that… ‘cause I’m learnED too, I believe. However it’s come to my understanding that having this attitude is clearly not the way to live a life. According to the handbook, when I’m around a person smarter than me, I’m supposed to cut off all my hair and rake the veins in my forearms until I bleed out my entire ancestry. And with the remaining strength I may or may not have, hand-cuff myself to a piece of heavy furniture that won’t move easiliy when pushed.

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Speaking from the heart

Posted in arguments, random on September 17, 2009 by Anoush

The next person who says, “There aren’t enough hours in the day” will be punched in the stomach or run over by a tractor. You fail in the art of saying things that make sense.

1. If there are more hours in the day, you’d be spending them sleeping/not-sleeping, surfing the web, getting lazier OR? cheating more OR? going to therapy more / not-going to therapy more AND eating more and spending money more and just being larger in all ways possible and eventually saying “There aren’t enough hours in the day” *more.*

2. The day’s fine the way it is – you don’t have to go adding hours because your saving-the-world-from-apocalyptic-holocaust schedule doesn’t permit it.

3. People waste time, feel helpless, and take horrible care of each other already with the plain, old 24. If anything we need fewer hours in the day.

S’all I got.

Life’ers

Posted in anxiety, arguments, Happiness on May 14, 2009 by Anoush

You know who ELSE should take a beating or get eaten by a great white? People who give advice who… (PEOPLE WHO GIVE ADVICE, period, but it’s a certain type. Before I tell you about ‘the certain type’ one’s gotta take note that people who give uninvited advice have bigger problems than you do and have to orate words of wisdom on some not clean but cleaner slate to make themselves feel more in control. They ask you what’s wrong then like an asshole you TELL them, and then some switch turns on in their heads making them feel as though, YES, this is the time when I shall tell this opening-up person MYYYY thoughts. You’re better off just stopping the conversation. Here’s what’s on my mind which you seemed SO HUNGRY to hear about and now? Let’s do ourselves a ripe-old favor and change the subject. ANYWAY.) People who should take a beating or get eaten by a great white are the ones who give advice who ALSO use the phrase “In life” as they’re doing the miserable deed.

“In life you have to know…”
“These are important things to remember in life…”
Oh
Really.
IN LIFE, huh…. Interesting. Cause as far as i remember, I wasn’t lying on my back dead on the floor. I mean we are sitting upright, right? (too much) but those “in life’ers” have GOT to go. You all should should stop giving advice? Heh, ya know? OR? You should stop being so interested in why a person’s face expression isn’t a 100% smile every goddamn second of the day.

Unless it’s the boardgame or the cereal, I’ll only listen to you halfway from now on.

It was on TV the other night

Posted in arguments, movies, Uncategorized with tags , , on April 11, 2009 by Anoush

An argument I should’ve had 10+ years ago, but I’m having it now.

There’s something about Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet that rubs me the funny way. Here’s what I liked from it: Clare Danes (and every face expression she makes, Mercutio, Tybalt, the nurse and… that’s it. I will always have a fascination with Capulets in general, in whichever version. But

Sometimes when a classical piece is interpreted a certain new, i’m-gonna-say “Far out” way, I develop weirded-out goosebumps. I’m not frightened by change and new things – that’s not it. I just didn’t find it modern. Was it trying to be modern or was it just trying to be another kooky reality? Felt the same way when I watched Ethan Hawke as Hamlet sitting at a laundromat. Is this cool? Or is this Weeeeeird? I DON’T KNOW!

How I relate to this play:
I always felt Juliet was better off with Mercutio
I always liked Tybalt (too much)
I had difficulty seeing Romeo as a love interest
I always loved Mercutio (And kind of wanted to be him.)

Is it COOL? or is it weird? Do so many girls claim to love this version because they love Shakespeare or the “Leo thing?” Would the movie still be so well-liked if Montague and Capulet were played by Carl Winslow and Patrick Duffy? (actually maybe) But Shakespeare is dark and cold and goosebumpy and funny, so maybe this was trying to be THAT in its own way. Or another instance of me afraid to like something so many other people like. OR me being afraid to say I DON’T like something. Some parts I fall head over heels for and other parts I just roll my eyes. I had an English teacher who passionately banged the top of her desk saying, “The guy was a GENIUS.” and I believed her (cause he is/was.) Plus she slammed the table when she said it which I will always love and will remember. And not “he was a genius” in the way that artists describe their idles. “OMG so-and-so is a genius.” <- your artist isn’t a GENIUS. Your artist is GOOD. He’s just very crazy and awesome, but he’s not a genius. Shakespeare, though? IS a genius. (slam!) He knew exactly what he was doing. And dirty – he was so dirty! When I think of Shakespeare I think of all kinds of dirt under fingernails and greasy hair and a bunch of “I don’t have time for you right now, woman. Fetch me a quill.” I think of not-always-great-writing that turns into Great writing. (Can’t explain that.) And there were other writers back then just as good as him, but he kind of…won.

If he were around to see all these adaptations, he might react in these five possible ways:
– Gee, guys I had no idea you liked me this much
or?
-Damn RIGHT you’re still doing my stuff. YOU heard her English teacher – I’m a genius!
or?
-This is weirding me out, guys.
or?
-Ooooh I LIKE her… (a la Steve Buscemi/Wedding Singer in regards to Clare Danes.)
or?
-Who’s that dynamic boy with the smokey voice (I get the sense he can do a lot of different voices) who seems overdramatic but probably only because the part of Tybalt calls for it? I feel like I could watch him for HOURS and hours doing some solo performance piece in some black box theater downtown. (Me too, Shakespeare. His name is John and he’s a Leguizamo. And he’s my genius.)